Feeling: anxious
Listening to: Coldplay - Rush of Blood to the Head
Reading/Watching: Acorna's Search, by Anne McCaffrey & Elizabeth Anne Scarborough

Watching Ghost World always makes me anxious and restless.

I know I'm already beyond where Enid was, but I still occasionally have those moments where I see the directions I'm headed and it scares me because I feel I'm not ready, that I can't possibly handle it, I wish I could stay in school, safe and protected forever, etc etc.

It just attacked me this morning. I was thinking about the apartment plan with Chessa, which led to thoughts of paying bills and being on my own, and how could I afford that when I have less than a grand to my name at the moment, and nothing coming except my church job which hasn't paid for four months (although reportedly, my check is coming next week), and that takes me to getting a job this summer, getting a job after I graduate, and suddenly I'm back to worrying about school. Then I become convinced that if I'm so uncertain, so childish and wishing I could stay a kid forever and never have to worry about ExCet tests or income tax returns, then obviously I'm not going to get anywhere and why not just be a complete flake and drop out now, take that job working as a paper pusher in the repo department (the one they offered me at the end of the summer) and commence living a boring, dead-end underachiever's life?

Here's the deal. Right now, I am 93 credit hours into a music degree. At the end of this semester it'll be 111. I'm beginning the process of teacher certification, which includes 18 hours worth of additional classes. That's an entire semester worth of credit. And the class I'm in right now, I absolutely despise. It seems ridiculous and frivolous and an utter waste of my time. Particularly my time between the hours of 8:00 and 9:30 in the morning, which in my opinion could be much better spent examining the dark side of a pillow.

The thing is, if I drop the teacher certification, I'll graduate a semester earlier, be able to take it easier (meaning no more 20-hour semesters), and still have a BFA. But, as my voice instructor mentioned, in the world of teaching, that and 75 cents will get me a weak cup of coffee.

But I want to perform. I really do... for a while. When I'm 25, I'd love to be singing on a stage. When I'm 45, however, I'd like to be directing a highschool choir. At 55, my dream is to conduct the all-state choir. That requires certification, or a masters degree (although for all-state, I'd probably need to be a PhD). I plan on going to graduate school regardless, but the question is whether to get my certification, start teaching, and maybe get my masters through night classes (although I know a LOT of teachers who gave up on a masters because hey, they already had a job), or drop certification, apply for financial aid and try to work as a TA wherever I go to graduate school, paying my way through on elbow grease, which would be harder.

It boils down to, do I want to struggle now, or struggle later? Bleh.

It doesn't help that my director told me he was "surprised" that I was going for teaching at all, since I "have the gift" and he'd hire me in a second. But he's a rather fond teacher. He looks for the positive in everyone. And he still told me to go ahead and get my certification if I wanted, so as to have as many tools at my disposal as possible.

I'm sure most of you aren't even mildly interested in any of this. You're probably all skimming to the more interesting parts. Problem is, there are none, so ha.

Bottom line, I really want to teach someday. I would also love to perform. I think it's possible for me to do both, no matter which pathway I choose, but while one is boring, irritating, and certain, the other is exciting, and less secure.

Blech. Thoughts? Ideas? I've been asking pretty much anyone under the sun for their advice, getting lots of different opinions. Some are all for conservative planning, playing it safe, having lots of fallback plans. Others are more like me, big thinkers who say go for it and damn the consequences. It's pretty evenly divided.

Why couldn't I have been boring and chosen something simple, something depressing and ordinary, like business? You can work anywhere with a business degree.

Except a public school. Dammit.

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