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"And do you want me like I want you? Or am I standing still?" ~ Jewel, Standing Still. (I've decided I like her new CD. Except for Love Me Just Leave Me Alone.)

It seems like a cycle, this wondering. And not always in the amorous way. In the plain old-fashioned wanting someone around way.

I was supposed to go dancing with a couple of friends, but then one of them asked if it'd be okay if the two of them hung out alone, and could we get together tomorrow instead? I understand; they wanted to go to a 21+ club. I said it was fine, even acted chipper.

But just so you understand, being shafted feels crappy whether it's a gentle shoving aside or a CB-sized one. Am I really unfun enough that they aren't willing to go to a different club in order to hang out with me?

Sigh. Trying not to be too bitter, it's such a small thing. But I always feel so uncomfortable, knowing I want someone more than they want me. I get so scared of crowding them that they start thinking I'm pulling away entirely. And they let me. And that's what's bad.

I tried calling other friends, to see who was free and might want to go dancing, because my hips were longing to move to that annoying Pink song, for God's sake, and I can do better. But of course, everyone was gone. It's to be expected. It is, after all, Friday night. It made me realize yet again how few true close friends I have, because I have plenty of amiable acquaintances, but most of them I would feel awkward calling. Some of them I don't even have their phone numbers.

I almost called Juan. Almost. Because he's such a cutie, and he even took me grocery shopping yesterday without complaining when I paused in the cosmetics aisle. Darling darling boy. I knew he'd go somewhere with me. But I refuse to take advantage of someone just because I can. It'd be rude. And crowd-y. It's always my impulse, to spend lots of time with a new friend, because I'm just so excited about getting to know them. I have to rein it in and wait.

Plus he might think it was a date thing, or something, which is bad whether he likes the idea or not. And he's too much like my brother for it to ever be a date thing.

So I'm here. And I hate it. Not because I'm the only loser still in my room on Friday night, but because I was supposed to be somewhere and it didn't happen because I wasn't wanted.

But Jae, once again, is marvelous. I was so sure she'd be gone for the night, but then she called me back and we talked and, as always, she cheered me up so much. I almost feel guilty, all the things I get out of her friendship, when I feel like she gets nothing back from me. She'd tell me it's not true, of course, because she's like that. :) Thus the basis of why she boosts my self-esteem so high without ever seeming to try. (Oooh! And she has an online diary too! coool...)

Here's to good friends who call you back. And herbal tea. Especially Fruit & Almond tea.

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