Feeling: trapped
Listening to: Poe - "Trigger-Happy Jack"
Reading/Watching: Maya Angelou. Trying to calm down.

I just played ping-pong ball between two friends who decided I should referree their argument. Both stopped speaking to me when I refused to get involved and told them they were both being childish.

What is it with you people, the ones who get upset and wall off the rest of the world?

I'm sorry, but I can't exactly understand that. Maybe because I'm so big on the over-share (innermost thoughts emblazoned all over the internet, etc.), maybe because my family is the type that can't hide anger well. We laugh loudly, we cry silently and unashamedly, and we yell until we're hoarse, and forget about it tomorrow. When something is wrong, I will try to hide it because I don't want to let it out on the wrong people (I've seen my father do that too much). I usually fail at the slightest urging. If someone asks, I spill it. All of it.

But you other people out there... how do you do it? How do you shrivel up inside and just turn a blank face to the world? How do you bottle it in your chest and pretend it'll go away on its own?

How do you lie to everyone, refuse to open up and let it out? You know it'll just fester in there, you know the people who care about you really do want to know. They're not just being nice. They're not just waiting for their chance to speak. And the people who care about you can stand to be yelled at a little, and they'll forgive you for it tomorrow because they know you had good cause.

I hate when you shut me out. I hate it. Because you're behind a wall and I can tap all I want, but you just get angrier and more and more silent, and when I walk away, you think I've stopped caring. I can fight words, I can fight needless temper.

I cannot fight silence. I cannot forgive that which I do not know. And you exhaust me.

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