Feeling: Christmas guilt
Listening to: video game noise
Reading/Watching: The Other Boleyn Girl, by Philippa Gregory

I find it ironic that the friends that I care about and trust the most are the ones I forget to give a gift.

I'm not sure if it's because I secretly take them for granted, or because everything I see just isn't good enough, because both are true. And once I do settle for something tangible, I spend anxious days convincing myself that they will hate it and pretend to like it for my sake.

...Which reminds me of the beginning of gift-giving with mon coeur, who was incapable of doing the fake-pleased thing when he opened a gift, so he'd usually unwrap something and say blankly, "Why'd you give me this?" which crushed me.

Not sure where I'm going with this. But if you haven't received a Christmas card or a gift yet (and you feel you should have), it's probably because I couldn't think of something good enough for you, and eventually settled on something good enough for everyone else instead.

I love you guys. I'm just crap at expressing it over long distances.

P.S.- Christmas buffets among family is making me severely angry with myself and contemplating one more try at bulimia. Talk me out of it (especially since my gag reflex is practically not there, hence the lack of success in previous attempts).

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