Feeling: determined
Listening to: Blondie - Heart of Glass
Reading/Watching: Shopgirl. It's... meh.

It's almost funny, how many people have switched from asking about the wedding to asking, "So, what happens now?"

And that's the most uncertain thing, what happens now. I still remember the day that mon coeur was complaining about how his work was making him crazy, and I asked if that's what he saw himself doing, or if he was intending to go on to other things when his first term was up. And he wasn't really sure, because he wasn't sure what else he could do.

At the time, we were only beginning. Just a few months of being a couple, and talking about his future career, and he seemed so utterly surprised when I mentioned that he could go to college. It was something he hadn't considered as an option, that it was too expensive or too hard. I pointed out that he sometimes read my philosophy books (from my senior-level honors program course) for fun, and that we had discussions about them. I said that if he wasn't sure what he wanted to do, maybe it would help him to try learning more about what was out there, take a couple classes as an experiment (not as a four-year commitment) and see if a certain subject really piqued his interest.

Because I grew up in a world where college was a guarantee, if you wanted it badly enough. I was spoiled; my parents saved enough when we were growing up that they could pay for basic state university tuition. Anything above that, like my overpriced Catholic school, and we had to pull in some serious scholarship money (which I did), but it was ours to try for, if we worked for it. And we did. So the idea of going to college had never seemed impossible for me, and it seemed very far from being impossible for him. Considering how many loan options there were, considering how much money the air force was guaranteed to give him toward an education, it could be a simple matter of enrolling and trying it out. And if he hated it, he could leave. But it meant he had a choice.

Getting out of highschool, he didn't have a choice. He and his brother were on their own once they turned eighteen, his mom said. And she gave them some information on the military, and that was that. Now, he has a choice. It's not the easiest thing in the world, since he'll have to be working and going to school part time, and if I want to go to graduate school I'll have to get loans out the wazoo or a nice teacher's assistant position. But it's a choice.

And now the days are numbered: it's less than four months before he has to have something set up, and so we're both on the job hunt: he's putting together his resum� and I'm asking everyone I know about job openings (I figure hell, let's start with nepotism and work our way down). We're in this together, and it's scary, because we're very comfortable right now, but there are no guarantees that the cash flow will continue, unless he finds something. All our (combined) savings will cover us for three, maybe four months if we do nothing but pay rent, bills, and live off of ramen. My income is laughable (seriously, on a monthly basis it rarely hits 4 digits), so I'm thinking of what job hunting I have to do for me, in the months to come.

But someone today made the mistake of insinuating that I brought this on myself, that I "forced" mon coeur to leave the air force, that I made him feel guilty by saying I didn't want to be a military wife.

I didn't. I looked him in the eye and said, "I go where you go. There are colleges everywhere; I can get my masters by correspondence if I have to, and finish up later. You choose the future you want to have, and whatever it is, I will follow. Just make sure it's what you want, instead of what you think you have to do." I never thought about being a military wife growing up, because I didn't have family members who were career military, but I promise, I have thought about it heavily over the past three years. And I am in. If that's what he wants, I'll do it. Even if it means moving to Georgia, or Washington, or Japan or Korea. (I could teach and sing in Korea. I'd be a hit, with my crazy curly white-girl hair.)

But he chose to get out. He chose to try other options, hopefully go to college someday and learn how to do the things he really wants to do with his life (the way his brain works with D&D stats and hypothesizing over artificial intelligence, I could totally see him majoring in something like statistics or biology or even developing computer technology). The next few years are going to be very unpredictable, very scary, very exciting. But those types of years are always the best, at least in my experience.

As I always have been where he's concerned, I'm in for the long haul. It's where I belong.

Comments? 0 so far...
Not a Diaryland member? Sign the Guestbook.