Feeling: hopeful
Listening to: Regina Spektor - Ode to Divorce
Reading/Watching: --

I finally worked up the courage to ask if he thought we were still in love.

And he admitted that no, he still loved me, but he didn't feel "in love." After months of denial, saying things like "Of course I love you," he finally came clean. We both acknowledged that yes, there is a chance that this might not work out. Because to avoid the topic and insist that it's impossible is dangerously stupid.

This morning we braved the cold and went out for breakfast, except our favorite place wasn't open, and our second choice wouldn't open for an hour. We shopped in the pet store for a while, choosing things the puppy would need as he grew.

Over breakfast, I asked if he'd made any plans for what he would do... if. Afterward. He talked about a couple of vague thoughts, nothing substantial.

I'd thought further ahead, of course. "I was going to keep the house. I was going to ask Matisse or Krynn to move in if the mortgage was too much. I was going to move North, maybe, to be closer to school. I would keep Andante. You would keep Allegra."

He reached out and took my hand, said "Stop."

We bent close, and just looked at each other for a moment, alone in the back room of the restaurant. Sitting in roughly the same place we did for our rehearsal dinner in April of 2006.

"I'm sorry I took you for granted," he whispered.

Words I had locked in a dark closet somewhere came tumbling out. "I'm sorry I fell out of love with you." He squeezed my fingers in his, and I brought them to my lips. Tears spilled down his hand.

We kissed experimentally, carefully, and it meant something. Moments passed as we sat with our eyes closed, foreheads touching. I realized Edwin McCain was playing.

Could not ask for more than this time together
Could not ask for more than this time with you.

I smiled, and whispered "It even comes with a soundtrack." He understood what I meant, chuckling. I always thought it was cheesy and overplayed, but in that moment I forgave Edwin for everything.

Oh right here in this moment
Is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me.

We promised not to give up yet. Between school, and work, and the house, there are too many factors involved to just let this go. And it's still us. Too much of us has been squashed flat to make way for other things. The time has come to lift the weight and shake it out, dust it off, let it slowly resume its shape.

Too much to just let go.

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