Feeling: oh hell, screw adjectives
Listening to: Frou Frou - Only Got One
Reading/Watching: Gilmore Girls... how apropos was THIS episode?

Valentine's Day/First Anniversary Day was as close to perfect as possible. (and for you cynics out there, don't worry, there are no glass slippers at the end of this story)

He called me just before work to tell me to look in the closet. I did, and on the shelf were a dozen roses and a box of 50 flavors of Jelly Belly.

When I finished class and he finished work, we met at his apartment, then had dinner at The Cheesecake Factory, browsed in the Asian Imports store across the hallway from the restaurant, and went to see House of Flying Daggers. I think I'm beginning to understand some of the main concepts of East Asian film. It's about visual harmony as much as plot continuity, and some of the stunts are meant to be appreciated as hyperbole, not "this would so totally happen."

We retired to his apartment to watch Am�lie and drink wine from the pewter goblets that I gave him as an anniversary gift. Halfway through the movie, I was quite sleepy, so we turned it off and fell asleep around 12:30.

This afternoon, I was still buzzing with excitement over the whole "My First Stereotypical Valentine's Day" phenomenon, and went to mon coeur's apartment immediately after school again to finish the movie.

By the end of Am�lie, we'd finished off the (HUGE) bottle of wine, and cuddling ensued, which I will neither describe nor summarize.

Afterward, I lay in his arms, and started musing about things. For some unfortunate reason, I began thinking over the whole religion issue that he and I have tiptoed around on several occasions; he tries not to let it become too big a deal while I try not to let it be minimized. He's cool with the fact that I'm religious, while he is quietly and firmly atheist. For him, it is not that big of an issue. I can't have that luxury, because my faith is rather pivotal to my life. It has saved my life on a few occasions, and given me direction, comfort, and sanity in some very crucial times, so I don't really want to downplay it for someone else's benefit.

I'm not the type to insist that he convert to the same religion as I am (hey, I'm one of the first to admit that the Catholics have a lot of problems), but it tends to seriously disturb me that he believes in nothing. When I have a serious problem, or something terrible has happened, the first person I turn to is God. If we were to stay together the rest of our lives, and we suffered through something huge, I would turn to God, and he would do... what? It scares me to imagine that. And not to count chickens or anything, but if we had kids, would they come to church with me, stay home with him, or would we draw straws every Sunday?

It's like I have two voices in my head, one voice insisting that this is it, that he is my one, my own, that nothing matters beyond that. That voice cries that I love him, that no one has ever made me as happy, as whole, and that he makes me the best version of me that exists, and that everything else will work itself out in time. It warns that if I turn my back on something this wonderful, I might never get another chance. That voice believes in soulmates, and is convinced that he is It.

The second voice is more cynical, saying everyone must suffer at least one major heartbreak before they find their one. Everyone must think they are in love before actually finding that special person. That voice says that this is just the first of many problems waiting on the horizon, and that I should end things now before it gets even harder to leave. That voice insists that faith is not a small matter, like bad breath or a penchant for bad movies. That voice whispers that something this huge can never be fixed, and I will only hurt myself (and him) by ignoring it. That voice slices me open each time it speaks.

I honestly don't know which voice is lying.

So naturally, brilliantly, I told him all this. I told him how I always secretly hoped that he'd change his mind someday, that in the back of my heart I would always be waiting for the day he realized that there is Something Out There.

He deserves better than that, doesn't he? He deserves better than a girl who is tolerating what she believes to be his mistake until he gets the real truth. If our situations were reversed, I would be heartbroken. And furious.

He was silent while I said all these things. And then I got up and left, because there was nothing left to say, and I was crying so much it made me feel guilty to sit there and make him watch.

There is nothing so good in this world that I can't somehow manage to screw it up.

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