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I am such a dork.

That said, I'll begin my babble. Last night was our first reading of the play, me gettin' all down with my Courtesan self, even if Katie means "pure," hee hee. The funniest part is that my character flirts all over Antipholus of Syracuse, Louie's character. Louie is a very dear friend from The Cherry Orchard, and he is also very openly homosexual.

Only in the theater could you find Madame Purity gettin' skanky with the gay guy.

Sorry, I just find that funny.

Afterward, some friends and I got together in a room two dorms down from me. Seems the entire purpose of the outing (or inning? unsure) was to sit around and get drunk. Now, I try to be adventurous and try most things at least once, and I've definitely decided I'm not a casual drinker. It doesn't give me any confidence or happiness I couldn't find with the right company, and it's a waste of expensive liquid. I truly didn't see the point of the bunch of us clustered into the tiny dorm room drinking various liqueurs and beer just so we could watch Seinfeld re-runs together. Bleh. So much for Katie's wild streak.

I got in at 12:30 from that, went to bed with homework undone, and at 2:15 a.m. I finally realized someone was gently tapping my shoulder, and probably had been for several minutes. (My poor roommate: she doesn't realize a tornado couldn't wake me.) Then she proffered the phone, which, amazingly, was for me.

It was Sara and Claudia, calling to say they were kidnapping me and I should come outside immediately in my jammies so we could go to Denny's. You can guess what my initial reaction was- and I doubt it was even phrased in coherent English, considering how I am when I'm jerked awake. But eventually I got up, donned glasses and essential ::ahem:: support underwear, and met them outside.

I learned this was a planned choir officer outing (yes, choir officer- shaddap, I already said I was a dork) and I got to witness the cruel ousting of the male officers from their rooms next. :) Hee. It was funny.

We tumbled down to Denny's and had good clean fun until nearly 4 in the morning. Now that, I understand much better. The context of our meeting cannot be shared because I know certain choir members are reading this ::coughTomas&Yasmincough::, but we were planning a surprise. :) I promise the surprise will be conducted at a more godly hour, though.

Then I finally read my e-mail this morning and the first one I find, I read twice because I'm wondering if the four hours of sleep are scrambling my brain. But no- it's Tiger, and he really did say what I thought he did (that all my past crushes and involvements have been searches for someone to crush on, not someone to love), and now I can't decide whether to decide if he's right, be irritated with him for prying into personal affairs which he knows little about (all he knows is what I've told him, and even that is often edited. So.), or both. I'm leaning toward both.

Because it wasn't like that. Especially not with my first *him*. Tiger mentioned my willingness to attach myself for a pretty face, etc. *He* was not exactly a pretty face, and I truly did love him, so there. It seems my true entanglements always sneak up on me, and I never want them to happen. How can that be my searching for a crush? Crushes suck. They do nothing but string you on. I may flirt, I may tease, I may pretend to be fluffy-hearted around my girl friends as a joke, but I do not like to fall for people.

Maybe I'll add to this later- 'cause, as fate would have it, I am late for class.

It is later. And my position still stands. I'm not going to harp on specifics of the letter that were wrong, because I know that wasn't the point, but I do think he is too preoccupied with what it is in me that keeps me from liking him, instead of simply accepting that I do not feel that way about him and no epiphany about my past relationships will change that.

It is not a fault in my reasoning, or a blind spot on my heart. It is a lack of the essential thing that made me wax poetic about Chris, and cry so hard about Michael, and find myself unable to develop convenient crushes on other people to distract myself.

But I'm airing private matters a bit too much, even for a diary... these are things I should tell Tiger in person. So, if you're reading this... we'll discuss later.

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