Feeling: happy
Listening to: Enigma - Why
Reading/Watching: we'll see what happens later...

Mon coeur wrote this, and I decided to reply here:

You have so much life left to live, my love (wow, say that three times fast...). Accomplishments don't happen in bursts of brilliance (although sometimes the rewards do), they happen with daily nudges. Just do the first nudge, get yourself started, and I believe you'll be off and running (or is it off and nudging?).

If I'm so work-ethicky, how come I'm spending my time sitting in your room replying to journals when I could be studying? (ahhh, you see: I am secretly lazy too. I just had a pair of pain-in-the-ass parents who bugged me until I did what they wanted in order to quiet them... and in the end they didn't have to say a word, and I'd still hear their voices in my head.)

I think it's not work ethic, so much as paranoid schizophrenia. If you need someone to nudge you into your own mental illnesses, you know I'm always here.

I'm becoming very aware, these days, of just how true that is. You inch along day after day, not realizing you're even getting somewhere, until suddenly you're there. Or, suddenly you're nowhere.

My music nudges got me through five years, warming up, transcribing, transposing, singing in choirs, practicing/drilling, rehearsing, re-rehearsing, analyzing, arranging, composing, teaching, conducting, correcting, singing some more. Sometimes I got paid, sometimes I did it out of the goodness of my masochism. At the end of five years, there was craziness and tension and boom, recital.

In one hour, it all became worth it. I went from wondering why I hated myself so much, to loving life and wanting to hug everyone, then fall asleep (right after I got something to eat... I think I stood for an hour thanking people and hugging relatives with the same mini-sandwich in my hand). The work leading up to it was long and slow, but the reward was quick and potent. Now think how happy we'd all be if it could somehow be the other way around. And also: beware of anyone who says that's actually possible. They probably want your money.

Side note: at the synagogue, someone noticed my singing last Friday night, and now they want me to sing in their wedding. Yay! I love weddings the most, they're so hopeful. (And let's not forget the impact that happy money will have on Katie's anorexic savings account.)

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