Feeling: walloped
Listening to: Seether - Gasoline
Reading/Watching: The Light Heart

After two years of blank hallways, suddenly doors are opening.

And it's scaring the crap out of me.

There are positions (six, to be exact) for choral teachers in a different city, and when my friend Drew from college recommended me to the music coordinator for the district, suddenly I'm getting calls with further information and being asked to apply, and nevermind about that certification, we can push you through the emergency program in a semester.

Of course it's an invitation to apply, not a job offer, but it's for head or assistant choral directors at both middle school and high-school level. Earning roughly what my husband makes right now, to do the thing I was going back to school to be able to do.

Jeebus cripes.

And yet. It's six hours south of here (yes, for those who know, that little town at the very, very bottom), and new teacher inservice begins August 16th. We'd be moving a goodly distance from anyone we know in the world, and breaking our (brand new) lease to do it.

Mon coeur is amazingly fine with the idea. He says if he can't get a job down there, he'll just go to school full-time. No worries about moving, leaving friends or family, nothing. He's a navy brat, he moved across the country every two or three years the entire time he was growing up.

I'm the one freaking out. Because what if I apply and get the job? Then I'll have to actually prove that I can do this, years before I'm ready, before I've gotten any of the training that people are constantly telling me I need ("people" being the state educational board). And what if I get the job, don't meet their standards, and get fired, and we've picked up our entire lives for nothing?

What if I get the job and just can't hack it? What if I genuinely try hard for something I love and fail?!

People keep telling me to shut up and just send in the application, because if this is really the golden door, I need to damn well walk through it.

But God. This news all came on Monday, and the world is up-ending on me.

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