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Know what my problem is? I'm just a girl with a big-city head and a small-town heart.

The two are constantly at war with each other. It's like City Mouse and Country Mouse as Siamese twins.

"Let's give that homeless man some money." "No! He'll just spend it on beer."

"Everybody's good at heart, and should be forgiven seventy-times-seven times." "If you're a doormat, people are always going to walk all over you."

"That person's weird, and it kinda creeps me out." "Everyone's an individual, it's part of their beauty." "Well, I don't think that bleeding-puppy tattoo is very beautiful."

"There's my friend. I should stop and say hi to her." "I want to get in line at Subway quickly- walk fast and avoid eye contact."

"Look at the pretty clouds! It's such a beautiful day." "Ha! Loser. Stop being a freak and pretend to be cool."

While on the one hand, I want to stay childlike and happy and believe the best and keep my heart wide open, I also want to protect myself from utter annihilation, follow my ambitions, earn respect (and status, I admit it), focus on the future and not waste time on petty things (like friends and love, etc).

Probably didn't know that about me, did you? I could be a total snobby bitch if my little-girl conscience didn't get in the way. Half of me wants to hug and love the world, the other half wants the world to love and hug me even as I push it away.

My family comes from small-town people. Every time I visit relatives, they live in little hamlets in central Texas, with accents and home cooking and church hymns on Sundays. Nothing is more important than family and friends. They firmly believe that's how it should be. And part of the time I agree. Other times I cringe when their small-mindedness appears, such as their narrow talk of homosexuals, or minorities, their silent condemnation of different religions. They don't make a big deal of it, but it's there. I've heard it in their voices and behavior, sometimes outright in their words.

It seems so odd to me, that the same voice that drawls "sweetpea" at me will stiffen with disapproval while discussing "controversial" television shows.

Is it a generational thing? Or is it truly geography? Because not all my aunts and uncles are that way. The aunt that travels the world with her husband (they've lived in Australia, Venezuela, Newfoundland, and of course the U.S.) is amazingly open-minded. The cousins that live in Austin and New York and San Diego are always taking the opposite end of the conversation at Christmas. Aunt Barb's even let her two daughters become ::gasp!:: vegetarians.

In a way it's funny, and in another it's sad. These are all intelligent, talented people. And some of them are content to stay in their bubbles.

I'm at war, wanting allegiance with both worlds, while part of me knows I have to grow up and choose one or the other eventually.

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