Feeling: Ambivalent
Listening to: Poe, 'Haunted' (that album tries a bit too hard to be goth. but overall it's okay.)
Reading/Watching: Julia. She didn't laugh at the Desmond idea when I explained it.

Made some more additions to the Desmond journal... (and no, none of you real-life friends can read it. None.)

It's strange, it's not even really a journal. More of a scrapbook, which, like hard-copy journals, I really suck at keeping. A scrapbook of photos and poems and scribbles (the scribbles are the type psychologists would love to get their hands on), musings and meaningful quotes. I tried to make it colorful, varied, to reflect me. I'm taking my time, only adding something when it's pertinent, so it might take years to fill. It'll be so interesting to go back over it.

Then I'll stuff it under my bed, or in a desk drawer, or in the top of the closet, where no one will find it for a good long while. And in twenty years my niece will find it, when she's feeling ugly and unwanted. It will amaze her, and she'll read it cover to cover, and hopefully it'll be of some help.

Because I know I'll grow up eventually. I know someday I'll be wise and kind and beautiful from every angle, and people will forget or never realize that I used to be a confused little speckled squash of a girl.

And if I never get there, if I'm small and silly and scared and stupid forever, what would you say? Do you love me for who I am right now, bipolar and erratic and timid, or do you love me for who you hope I'll become?

That's just one of the things I ask in that scrapbook. On the page after I drew the girl curled in a ball under the fanged stormcloud, and before I quoted Maya Angelou's Phenomenal Woman from beginning to end.

There are a lot of pages left in that book. Room enough for some serious plot twists. Don't know if that's exciting or scary as hell.

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