Feeling: quiet
Listening to: Evanescence - Breathe No More
Reading/Watching: Everwood

Did you know that 68% of the population has an IQ between 85 and 115?

This is what we learned in Psychology today. The average is 100, and the standard deviation from that is 15 above and below. Go two standard deviations, 30 above and below, and you have 95% of the population with IQs between 70 and 130. Three deviations gets you 99.7% of the population, between 55 and 145, the borderlines for mental retardation and what is considered genius. That's a pretty huge margin, but it's just three clicks in each direction.

Today was a good day for me, but apparently a crappy one for just about everyone else I know. (I have a point in here, I promise.) I spent an hour on the phone, comforting a best friend that things will get better, and stop thinking about what her life was like five years ago, and what it could be like in five years. One is too far in the past to be applicable anymore, and the other is too far in the future to be predicted in any way. It's too many deviations from what is, right now. Too many variables in between.

I'm realizing this because I've been doing the same thing, worrying about what could be in 'x' amount of time. I'm straining to see into the future, trying to guess where I'll end up, trying to make sure I'll like where I land. It's ridiculous. I can't have any clue, and I have to stop pretending I have any control over it. I can have dreams, and hopes, sure, but there is no possible way to predict where I'll be.

Five years ago, I was sixteen. I weighed 240 pounds. I had braces, and glasses way too big for my face. I still had bangs. I had never driven a car, or stayed out past midnight, or gone on a date, or kissed a boy. I had a crush on Ryan (goodness, I can't for the life of me remember his last name- I wrote him into a book, and have no clue what his name is). I still thought I'd have a book published by the time I graduated highschool. I'd never heard of Diaryland, barely knew the Dork Sisters, and was seriously considering giving up singing forever, because I hated my choir director.

Of all the people I knew then, I only kept in touch with two. All the things I thought I knew about life have been seriously modified. All the things I thought I would be when I was twenty-one are rather different from how I am now.

And all the things that were crucial back then, like Ryan and Chemistry class and earning my letter jacket and getting someone to invite me to homecoming, all are so silly now. Memories. Not even full-fledged emotions. Just whispers.

So now I am going to try (I'm only brave enough to say "try") to calm down. To stop guessing. And stop regretting.

Look too far back, and I am stagnant in what no longer matters. Look too far ahead, and I am paralyzed in anticipatory worries. So I'll concentrate on what is, what is right in front of me, and enjoy every inch of it while it's here. There is no sense in doing anything else.

I might not have any of you anymore in five years, but damned if I'll love you any less right now.

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