Feeling: frightened
Listening to: --
Reading/Watching: Mostly Martha, a German film about a chef which is making me hungry

I don't know what I'm doing. Or rather, I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing to be doing.

So in place of knowing, I follow the plans everyone else has set out for me. I follow the plans I had in place before I lost my mind and all sense of direction.

I'm more busy right now than I can ever remember being. Teaching wakes me up at 6, I stay at school until 5, I come home and have dinner and then it's off to rehearsal by 7, or a meeting, or straight to my grad class. I rarely get back in my door before 10 or 11.

In the cracks between, like weekends, I grade papers and do homework.

The hours I'm not busy feel endless and bottomless, so I try to avoid having those as much as possible, even though it makes for sleepless nights, worrying if I'm forgetting something or neglecting something. I stress about getting everything done: not just done, but done well.

But when I get busy, I know what direction to go. And so I dread the hours after I've gotten home, when mon coeur is at work and the apartment is quiet, and all there is to focus on is my own thoughts, like a spinning compass.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where to go. I just keep praying that this will pass, like a bad storm, and I'll find me again, waiting patiently once it clears, knowing exactly which way is North.

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