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Ohyes, I need love. Much of it.

Not THAT kind, pervert. If you IM me with links to porn pages or offers of cybernookie, I swear I will TOS your patoot so fast...

But I want to be loved. I want a guy who will think about me. Who'll do stupid things like send those silly e-mail chain letters, "I luv U! pass it on..." and call me at 2 in the morning because he had a dream about me. I want someone who misses me. I want someone to love me entirely. Because I know I have it in me to love completely, with my entire being, "truly madly deeply" and all that. With the slightest encouragement, I could and would.

The dangerous thing is, I know that won't happen. Not now, probably not ever. That kind of stuff just doesn't happen for people like me. Take one look, and you'll understand why. My kind of neuroses is only tolerable in incredibly beautiful women, and I will obviously never be one of those.

This is not a mopey time. This is a time for brutal honesty. There's only so many times a person can be told in their lifetime that they're ugly before the impression/fear/suspicion becomes knowledge. It's knowledge, okay? Deal with it. And if you're going to make me believe differently, you'd better be ready to prove it. At this point, suffice it to say this girl has been hurt bad by many many people, and it'll take some effort to combat that, much less reverse it.

I haven't had disastrous relationships. It's not like some boyfriend crumbled my heart and broke my self-esteem. It was years of people. First outright hostility when I was little (obviously- kids are never tactful) and then just the very polite invisibility to members of the opposite sex. Not having a boyfriend at all, ever, is (believe me) more damaging than having one that tears you down. Because one person's outspoken opinion can be fought against. A countless number of people who don't even think you're worth taking a chance on is a different matter.

I want someone to love me entirely. I want someone I can laugh with the way I do with my little brother, the way I can when I'm with *him*. Someone who demonstrates how they feel in some way, sometimes, without being prompted. I've had enough disastrous encounters with fishing for compliments or "I love you"s to know that they're not worth the dubious confirmation I feel. Because I'll always wonder, "are you just saying that...?"

So, guys, here I am. Ugly. Convinced I am, too. Finding inner beauty but knowing that doesn't count worth a damn to most folks. Want to take a chance? Because I'll never cheat on you (who with? that's almost funny...) I'll never lie to you, I'll never be afraid of commitment, I'll never refuse to tell you what's wrong when you ask. I'll never smother- I'm too patient for that. And I will love you until you tell me to stop, as a reward for merely looking at me twice.

In comparison to the new images of women these days- the demanding types who make jokes about what kind of man they require, who have millions of standards- I think I ain't that bad. At least on paper.

And if you see me and don't inwardly recoil, you get a cookie.

::end lonely tirade::

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