Feeling: convoluted
Listening to: The Fray - Fall Away
Reading/Watching: Chinatown

I found myself desperately wanting to go out and celebrate St. Patrick's Day the proper Irish way tonight, but could not seem to find anyone who wanted to meet up for a drink or seven.

So instead I ate some dinner, watched the first half of Chinatown, and took Allegra for a run. The husband is moving into his place this week, and is likely to come by and get her any day now. It hit me while I was just taking off my shoes... she came up and plopped next to them, giving me her happy little grin and wagging her feathery tail, and I burst into tears. She climbed up into my lap, of course, and shyly nuzzled my face, which convinced me that we needed to go for a good long walk.

Rounding the second mile, my iPod began to play "Defying Gravity" from Wicked. I grinned and enjoyed it, remembering the numerous sing-a-longs my friends and I have enacted. Then, near the end, I began to jog, and my footfalls seemed to match perfectly to the beat.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm sick of playing by the rules of someone else's game.

It was too perfect, with the cool night air, in my bright green t-shirt (in honor of St. Patty's, of course), stepping in time even as the tempo accelerated.

I hope you're happy, now that you're choosing this...

And then my breath caught, my feet spaced further apart, legs kicking so hard against the pavement that it literally felt like gliding.

So if you care to find me,
Look to the western sky
As someone told me lately,
'Everyone deserves a chance to fly'
And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free
To those who ground me, take a message back from me...
Tell them how I am defying gravity
I'm flying high, defying gravity

I did have to stop running eventually, long after the final exuberant notes died down, and Eric Clapton had begun wailing his way through "Layla." That reminded me of the time Maffrew walked around the house howling out the chorus, and scared me coming around the corner, so that I screamed in perfect timing with the words: "Laaaay-AAAAH!"

You wouldn't understand, but it was an inside joke for years. I started laughing, which does not meld with running, and made me drop to a brisk walk again.

I'm going to miss my puppy girl, my fluffernutter, my spring-loaded teddy bear monster. But once I move into my new place I'll have Andante back again, and I can accept that. I'll trade twenty pounds of terrier for nearly sixty (sixty!) pounds of chocolate lab horse-puppy. This is a reasonable sacrifice I can handle.

I just want to embrace feeling good. I'm tired of feeling tired, broken, angry. I'm also tired of feeling too guilty to feel good. Like it's not allowed: "You can't be happy now, look at the state of your marriage!"

So blah. Tomorrow I get to speak at an educators' discussion panel about the merits of the Met Opera program my kids are in this year. It's a panel of the superintendent, the fine arts district chair, a city council member, a Metropolitan Opera representative... and my student and me.

Not intimidating at all. But that's a story for another day.

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