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You know that feeling when it seems everyone around you is getting their little ducks in a row and you're still splashing aimlessly?

I can't quite explain it. The Desiderata says "Compare yourself not with others, lest ye become proud or discouraged." Or something to that effect, at least. Easier said than done.

Surely everyone understands what I mean. It's never anything extreme. Lala's got a lovely new boyfriend. Briana's going off to Europe next week. Edward left for his choral tour of Asia on my birthday (oh, by the way, happy birthday to me, yesterday I turned 19). Tomas is doing well in karate. The people I'm training with to be servers at MacGrill have already passed their tests, been certified, and are happy (and well-paid) waiters and waitresses.

It's not like I'm wasting my time, per se (okay, so maybe I am). But I just finished training today, and won't be certified until tomorrow, and they shortened my training requirements because I've worked there before. I haven't looked at DCMI at all, despite my vow to go over it one last time this summer in light of the recent rejection. I haven't bought the latest edition of Children's Writers and Illustrators Market to get a new submission list for this fall. I haven't started some kind of exercise regime to prevent weight gain now that I'm home with a very, very full pantry and no need to walk 3 miles around campus every day. I haven't even reunited with friends from highschool to catch up, or done anything remotely social with anyone but my brother. I definitely haven't started building up Alecin to send off to the company that wanted to see more of my work, and that should be first and foremost on my mind.

Grr. Maybe I'm expecting too much of myself, and maybe I'm fantastically lazy. I keep telling myself, "It's only May. There's no rush." But the days fly by so quickly, it's scary.

How do you motivate yourself again? I seem to have forgotten. Surely everyone knows how. We've all done it at some point in our life. I know I certainly have. People give me that wide-eyed "wow" look when I say I've written a book, but I don't mention I did it by sitting on my patootie all summer. I also don't mention how many books I've begun and discarded. Or how many I haven't even started.

Hell, I can't even get myself together enough to put my stories and poems back on my website, and that used to be my pride and joy. I spend every waking moment online, but none of it is spent constructively, it seems. Grr.

Every waking minute...

Okay, I'll take my own hint. Diary entry ends now.

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