Feeling: on the rack
Listening to: Radiohead - Lull
Reading/Watching: Wicked, by Gregory Maguire

I don't know what's so different about this time around, this particular phase-change in my life. I whined and twisted about all I would miss, all I didn't want to leave in highschool, all my uncertainties about the future and a new life away from everything I knew.

It feels more intense this time, perhaps because last time is five years removed, perhaps just because this time the gap is greater than new people and change of venue.

Last time, I had someone prodding me in the back to get things done, and this time I must rely on myself.

Last time, I was going away simply because it was The Thing To Do, and Everyone Does It. This time, I'm continuing in a direction that not many people take, and it is that much more difficult to make it on my own. At this point, most people find a nice steady job and settle down for their happy sixty years of normalcy.

Last night, I had a dream (nightmare?) that I pretended to be dead, and went away to school in secret, pursuing my graduate degree under a different name, studying and learning and growing while all those I loved mourned my death and tried to live their lives without me. I thought it would be easier that way, rather than cutting everyone off while living, and cold-bloodedly following my dreams without them around to distract me.

I just feel like my need to hang onto my life is hobbling me. It cripples my concentration, it distracts me, and I stifle and stagnate while I try to decide what to keep and what to leave. If I had nothing to love, everything would be so much clearer, purer. Instead, I see all I might lose and cannot begin to comprehend what there could be to gain.

Basically, I've spent a day wanting my mommy to hug me and tell me what to do. I am such a kid sometimes. On the drive home, I was listening to one of my favorite Jump Little Children songs, called "Mother's Eyes", and decided to look up the lyrics when I walked in the door. I found this:

Sound asleep in an ocean of crashes
Sound asleep in pouring black rain
Bedside voices praying with tears of ashes
Stung by the salt of weeping skies
All alone lying shoulder to shoulder
All alone with hot hand in hand
Sleepy gestures of silent tongue and lashes
Cheek to cheek with last goodbyes

Hold me a child in your arms
Hold me, please hold me
I'm lost in your gaze
Floating away

Wide awake on an ocean of silence
Wide awake in soft lullabies
Linen shadows floating through open sashes
All in the touch of a mother's eyes

Hold me a child in your arms
Hold me, please hold me
Watermarked sky of tears that I cried
Is floating so high
High, high.

All in the touch of a mother's eyes
Stung by the salt of weeping skies
Cheek to cheek with last goodbyes

"Watermarked, weeping skies" is a mite melodramatic, but the rest seems to fit.

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