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Know what I love? That I'm boring enough for people to leave me alone sometimes. :) Gives me lovely Alone-Katie-Thinking time. I had all yesterday afternoon to just chill and think before the party.

Last night at the big choir lock-in at Sara's (well, it wasn't big, considering only about a dozen or so people came, but at least it was more than just the officers) we did silly stuff like play charades, but after the 2-a.m.-crowd left (that was the last chance to leave before the doors locked) we lay around on beanbags and such, playing with Sara's dog (Chloe's like a ping-pong ball, she bounces from one person to another) and doing Circles, where one person asks a question and everyone goes around answering it, then the next person asks something else, etc.

We weren't asking for big deep secrets. For one, those of us left already knew most of each other's secrets, and it's not very important. Instead it was things like, "If you could take one person to a deserted island with you for a year, who would it be?"

So here are my answers to the questions, just to keep y'all amused.

I would take my big brother Matt with me to a deserted island, simply because we never really got along, and I'd like to. When I was a kid he was my hero. He led every single game of Dungeons and Dragons, playing the Guide and telling us every monster that was coming up the stairs after us. I played the cleric and would use my pink parasol like a staff and cast some huge important spell. (We didn't use books or dice for our version of the game; wish I had pictures of the costumes we came up with.)

But as we got older, we grew apart. He was the socialite, rather shallow in highschool, and I was the introvert, the loner. He made fun of me for being ugly and fat, and I would lash back saying he was stupid, which I didn't realize was his sore point at the time, since he was struggling with his grades. We've called a truce of sorts, obviously, but we can never talk for extended periods of time without starting an argument over something ridiculous. We're so alike, stubborn in the same ways, and I think if we had a chance to work together (trying to survive on an island, perhaps) and understand each other as we are now, mature adults with more than just blood in common, we could become friends as my sister and I have.

Second question was, if you could have any one thing, what would it be? Some people went a little abstract, saying the obvious ones, like peace, happiness, love. I wished for a little magic hole I could draw in the air and disappear into, to rest and think in a little space-time continuum, until I wanted to come back out again.

Then we had to say what one question we would ask God if we could. I get the feeling that getting the answer for something like "Why do you let such awful things happen to the world you created?" would make my head explode. So I kept it simple. I want to know if I'm headed in the right direction for my life, or if I'm not, will I be eventually? Will I end my life with regrets? (Okay, so it's two questions, but they're interrelated. Shut up.)

Question that really got everyone thinking was, "What is your greatest fear?" I agree with many of the ideas, such as having something horrible happen to someone you love, but I believe that things like that are so completely beyond our control that it's ridiculous worrying about it. Briana taught me that. Her parents sheltered her and her sister their entire lives. They practically lived in bubble-wrap. But no one could prevent that one day, when a coke-head drove the girls off the road and into a tree (knocking them unconscious), and their car caught fire. No one could stop that. No matter how much hindsight they have. All the parental caution in the world couldn't have known that Brenna would die and Briana would lose her feet. Some things are just not ours to control, and so while it's scary, I don't consider it my greatest fear.

I am afraid that I will lose something that is supposed to be under my control. That in my stubbornness or shallowness or ambition, I will leave behind the one thing that matters most and not realize it until it's too late. That I will squander my life and never experience it to the fullest. I feel I've lived a rather middling life so far, with no great tragedies, and no great joys. I want to dive to the depths of awful so I can be grateful when I soar to the top of wonderful as well.

Sara told me that I shouldn't measure my life against other people's, that my tragedy could just as easily be that my baby had an ear infection, instead of my baby dying. I told her I was more afraid of never having the baby at all. (No, for the uninitiated, I am not pregnant.)

My question asked for the greatest memory/day/moment of your life thus far. It brought us up a little from the fear-doldrums. People had to sort through all their happy memories and find one moment that they could describe as their shiningest.

Mine is the moment I had almost three years ago. Sitting in a bitty hotel chapel at the Catholic youth conference, listening to a guest musician play his guitar while people sang along. I didn't know the words, so I faded out, just praying. And suddenly I was with Him. He was holding me. He was telling me he loved me. He was calling me beautiful.

The only thing to bring me out of that perfect moment was the sound of my own sobbing. It was the most precious time in my life. I only pray I can recapture something even close to that amazing ever again.

Of course, my sharing of the moment was broken because Chloe came over and stuck her nose right in my face, licking me on the lips. Everyone laughed. She's such a cute little dog- she was like a teddy bear during the sharing of greatest fears, going from one person to the other, sensing their worry. Good puppy.

Now I'm home, back to the real world once again, with laundry to run, a paper to write, and... oh yeah. An article to write for the newspaper.

So glad I'm transferring out of that department next semester.

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