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I haven't much to say right now, I just didn't want my most recent entry to close with the timeless pearl of wisdom, "I am a squash."

Suffice it to say, I found the root of my problems. The little niggling thing at the back of my subconscious that's been torturing me. And I can't discuss it yet, because I'm not sure and it would be pointless to make frantic conjecture and have it be all wrong.

Last night, I told my friends before signing off, "I'm going to go pray for a while."

(Why does that have such an unsure connotation these days? Why does it invoke such different reactions, depending on who you talk to?)

So I did. I haven't prayed this hard since the summer before my senior year in high school. I had an unbelievable epiphany then, and even though I wasn't asking for the same this time, I wanted even just a sliver of that.

I didn't quite achieve it. I came close. I asked over and over to feel safe, to feel him with me, and he was. I was slipping into that half-dream state where you can't control what you think of, and I saw this image of someone holding me, and then a huge snake's head reared in between us, fangs bared.

He never let go.

But the phone rang, jarring me awake, and when I answered it I asked Briana to come over and keep me company while I fought off some major woogies.

I tried to complain to her about how nothing happens to me, somewhat in the same vein as my afternoon rant, but she said to me,"I thought the same thing, not long before my accident."

So. Guess retractions are in order.

I love Bri. She never doubted me for a second, nor did she misunderstand the only possible meaning of that dream. She's had some experience with that stuff, too. If you ever ask her about her accident (the one that deprived her of her sister and her feet), she might tell you about it.

We talked for about an hour, mostly me telling her why I'd been upset, and crying again, and she telling me the exact same thing that all my other girl friends said. They can't all be wrong.

Then we went to her room so she could pack for her trip (New Orleans for a journalism conference, the lucky girl), and talked more and more, until suddenly it's 2:30 and I still have my alarm set for 7. So I went back to my room much comforted, and prayed again until I slept.

I've never loudly proclaimed that I'm Catholic, mainly because I always felt that it's my business and anyone who wants to discuss religion with me, can. I don't try and force it on other people, because religion's one of those things you either accept for yourself or wind up resenting for your entire life.

But God is good to me. And I just wanted to thank him where everybody can see, for once. He takes good care of me. And sometimes I forget to be grateful.

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