Feeling: determined
Listening to: --
Reading/Watching: Adventureland

I have a friend, Matisse, who has been battling bipolar disorder and flirting with the idea of suicide for months now.

I say "flirting with" because we've done the late-night 3 a.m. phone calls where I stay on the line for hours talking her down, but she never wants me to come there, and she never wants to go to the hospital to get help. She's never done anything to hurt herself. She just flirts.

After three of these occurrences, you'll have to understand if I'm a little weary. I've referred her to my psychologist (who is very good, by the way), urged her to try meds, all but dragged her bodily to an institution to get her some help, rather than pet her head and say "poor baby, it'll be okay."

Yesterday she was told to take a leave of absence from work. Not asked; told. She freaked out, and asked our mutual friend Hope and me to come to her house to see her last night. We exchanged glances, warily agreed, and came over.

And it was kind of a pity party. I understand that she feels lost. I understand that she feels rejected. This is horrible timing, but on the other hand... she's still getting paid. She just isn't coming to work. And considering how many mornings she's called me with a dead, colorless voice and said she can't stand the thought of going to work, this sounds like a pretty nice deal. I would love the opportunity to be paid to job-hunt (at full salary) for a month or two. This means she has to change careers, but that's something she wanted to do anyway. This is a very glass-is-half-full situation.

So I refused to buy into the pity party. When she made references to wanting to die, I looked her in the eye and demanded if she meant it. When she looked away, I forced her to look back and tell me the truth. Because she doesn't want to die. She just wants people to swarm around her and convince her of how important she is.

And I'm sorry, call me selfish, but since I still have a vivid memory of last year and my own suicidal tendencies, I don't have a lot of patience for this. One very memorable night, I was driving back from my baby brother's wedding in the dark, thinking "I could swerve into a guardrail right now. Right now. It wouldn't ruin the party. No one would know for hours." And it scared me, because I didn't want to call anyone. I didn't want anyone to talk me out of it. I actually started to drift, unconsciously, toward that railing. The car in the next lane honked obnoxiously, and I jerked back, pulling over on the side of the road until I could calm down. I think what actually made me sane again was realizing that no one would be able to get home and feed my dog. That's how pathetic a reason I had. I honestly didn't believe I would ever be free, that my ex-husband would ever stop, that it would ever get better, that I would ever be happy again.

Remembering that makes me have less pity. Remembering that makes me a little colder, a little harder, a little stronger.

She called me on my way home, asking me to come back and stay the night with her. This is something Hope and I have both done in the past. She talks in circles, wakes me if I make any noise and asks me to move, and I wind up staying in a half-aware wakefulness the entire night. It's a nightmare for the next day of work. And, as always, someone needs to take care of my dogs. No one can do it but me.

So I told her no. "I am ready and willing to pull you up with me. But I will not let you drag me down with you. And if I come over there, it won't really help you. You still won't sleep, I won't sleep, you won't feel any better, and I will feel a great deal worse. If you want company, go curl up with your mom in her room. I need to go home and let the dogs pee."

Some part of my brain hissed that I was being a terrible friend, because we're conditioned to do anything for friends. Whatever they need. But once I made the decision not to give in to her, some part of me definitely felt relieved.

I'm going to keep pulling myself up. You're welcome to come along, if you so choose. Whether it takes counseling, or pills, or yoga, or reiki energy, or rose quartz stones, you have to pull yourself up, because otherwise you're just pulling me back down.

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