Feeling: like I should feel guilty. But I don't.
Listening to: Belle & Sebastian - Put the Book Back on the Shelf
Reading/Watching: on to Winter Night...

It floors me, the fact that I'm the only one.

I'm the only person on earth who knows how it feels, to open my eyes and be in his arms. It's the most amazing moment, seeing the shadows his eyelashes cast, hearing him breathe, wanting to touch him but not wanting to break the fragile stillness.

All the things he is, all the things I am when he's there, and it's mine. The way his voice softens, the way he smiles from his eyes outward, the way his hold is possessive even in sleep, and I'm the only one who knows.

I'm not even sure what to do with such a gift. Having it panics me, in a way, like it's too special for me; I'll break it. Surely it will slip from clumsy fingers if I am careless, or shatter if I clutch it too close. Surely it's a loan; I can't possibly deserve to keep it. Girls like me don't find that sort of thing. Girls like me find boys who mock, boys who lie, boys who leave. Boys who hurt.

I feel like I'm cheating somehow, like I'm stealing from someone else's happiness-quota. And if so, damned if I'm going to share. But if you won't tell I won't, mon coeur.

The song playing through my head today:

How am I supposed to breathe?
I try to relax, I touch your still frame
So I can watch you closer
And study the ways I believe I belong to you
I scratch at your waist line, your doll hair
I dig up the thought of how your eyes glow
So I make you my religion, my collision, my escape goat
So have I found your secret weak spot, baby?

Can you pretend I'm amazing?
I can pretend I'm amazing...
Instead of what we both know
I cut to the punch line, baby
Can we pretend I'm amazing
Instead of what we both know
"Amazing," by Blue October

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