Feeling: stagnant
Listening to: silence
Reading/Watching: Seeing Anthropology through Film, Heider

So Jae told me I should come to Taiwan (where she is living) to teach English and try to pursue a music career.

She sent me informational websites, told me that my looks would make me rare and therefore popular, seemed dead-serious.

My first reaction was "ohmygodYES", followed immediately by the realization that going there means leaving here. And as much as I want to travel the world, I... don't want to leave here.

I don't want to leave him here. I am thoroughly tamed, utterly tethered. The most annoying part is that I can't seem to mind.

I am happy. I am becoming a different person every day, morphing into more of a stereotype, and it depresses the feminist curled around my scar tissue, but I am still happy. I have a sneaking suspicion that if I were still (bitterly) single, I'd be headed off for graduate school already, still with the plans I made when I entered college, just somehow... more. Because I didn't have someone to make me whole, ergo I didn't need anyone. Having him makes me safe and loved and happy, but it also makes me weak, and it makes me quieter. More stationary. Less willing to strike out across the world on my own and throw all caution to the wind, because there is someone to think of, someone to return to, someone who holds the strings of my heart in his hands, so that if I walked away, they would pull unbearably.

This isn't about Taiwan anymore. Just a string of thoughts. What-ifs. Possibilities I don't even want to explore, because I am happy where I am, but not happy that I am unwilling to depart from where I am. I'm not sure if I'm safe or stagnating.

Only the years will tell.

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