Feeling: chaotic
Listening to: Tori Amos - Winter
Reading/Watching:

I am in the midst of pendulum days. The extremes of grief and frustration had to swing back at some point, and so today I came home smiling and singing, glad for the normalcy everyone's been starving for.

Monday, Bri's father made his decision to leave clear. He doesn't want the life he has, can't stand to stay with the wife whose disease is slowly consuming her, the daughter who's finally learning to live with losing her feet in the accident, and the ghost of the child they lost four years ago. So he's escaping, and those who can't escape (said wife and daughter) are just left out in the cold to support each other. They'll lose their health insurance without him, and his twenty-year-old daughter now has the sole responsibility of supporting her mother when her RA makes her incapable of working anymore. Swell guy.

I doubt I need to describe the rest of that day. Bri's reaction frightened me.

Tuesday, I finished the round of applications and attempted interviews (didn't actually get any), and Bri came over for dinner and Gilmore Girls. She decided to stay the night, and we were up until 2 a.m. talking. It reminded me of how things were a year ago, before everything got so twisted and resentful between us. I wish it hadn't taken something this devastating to make us trust each other again.

Today we found birthday and graduation gifts for all the people on my list, and I got to meet the boy she's been talking about nonstop for the past several months (he's definitely her style, and not a trace of asshole-ness, so I approve). I aggravated her with my shopping style (she's all lists and planning, I'm more wandering and gut-feelings), we came up with some fantastic gift ideas, and I came home singing and chipper, with silly new Japanese silk-embroidered sofa cushions I'd bought as a side bonus once I'd finished shopping.

The moment worth mentioning today was when we were in the car, driving to get lunch, and she was listening to the car tape mix I made when Luna was still cassettes-only. Tori Amos's "Winter" came on, and hearing it in a new context, the words made us both silent and a little misty.

Snow can wait, I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose
Get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart
When I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove

I run off where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping Beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice:
"You must learn to stand up for yourself
'Cause I can't always be around"

When you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?
When you gonna make up your mind?
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change, my dear

Boys get discovered as winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and I'm here still waiting
Withering where some snowman was
"Mirror, mirror, where's the crystal palace?"
(But I only can see myself)
Skating around the truth: who I am
But I know, Dad, the ice is getting thin

When you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?
When you gonna make up your mind?
'Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change, my dear

Hair is gray and the fires are burning
So many dreams on the shelf
You say, "I wanted you to be proud of me"
I always wanted that myself

When you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?
When you gonna make up your mind?
'Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change, my dear

Never change...
All the white horses