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Tonight I had a conversation with a very close internet friend, and it affected me so much, and she said such incredibly insightful things, I thought I'd share it with y'all.

Me: I'm not laughing at you, I'm remembering that time I tried to drown myself and what I had to concentrate on to get over it. That whole cycle about feeling bad and feeling bad for feeling bad is just... indescribable.

Me: I was ten. It's hard to imagine hating yourself when you're nine and ten, but somehow I managed it. I moved to a different school, the kids seemed to gang up on me a lot, and I spent every recess walking the edge of the playground singing to myself.

Her: ugh I know I had it when I was little 'cept it was more anxiety than anything and as I got older it faded but would come back and the lingering anxiety was always there and then I guess it just hit this year it's horrible you feel bad you feel like crap for feeling like that you think thoughts and think "Where did that come from?" but they remain

Me: I remember crying a lot when I went to bed. My sister Claire still shared a room with me and since she thought she'd be a psychologist one day, she'd try to analyze me, but going over how bad I felt and her telling me it was wrong didn't help.

Her: my mom tried but I think she got annoyed with me sometimes and I finally had to tell her it was more than just anxiety and stuff

Me: I had to start with the positives, like what was good about me. Because trying to tell myself only that I was wrong for feeling bad made it worse.

Her: cuz I was-to quote NSYNC-"lie awake drive myself crazy" yeah I am getting more self-confidence as time goes on especially with great friends like you ;)

Me: Yeah... my friend overanalyzed herself. Her parents wrapped her in lace doilies, it seemed like, and she went to a psychologist and clung to me and stuff... didn't help. She needed support from me, but I needed it more, 'cause she already had it.

Me: I sometimes remember how it was to hate myself. It scares me sometimes, when I get caught in it again, but then I sing and concentrate only on the notes that sound good, not the bad ones. Or I play the piano and notice how my fingers look on the keys.

Her: I don't hate myself I just get pissed off at this depression that threatens to consume me all the time-pardon my French

Me: I don't ask anyone to fill me with compliments because I know they're saying it for me, not because of me, if you know what I mean. I compliment myself. And I don't get outrageous. But I look in the mirror long enough to see my face below the pores. And I see that I'm not ugly anymore, and that's enough sometimes.

Me: It's okay, cuss all you want, we're the only ones here. :)

Her: So I guess sometimes I just have to look in the mirror and say "I rule!" or something to that effect and most of all believe it

Me: Sometimes I could kill those kids, the ones I still know, the ones I graduated with, who are almost-friends now but could never be more than smiling acquaintances because I remember them too well. They don't know what they made me.

Me: lol, not necessarily those words, because "I rule" seems to drip with dairy products, but just... start small.

Me: I'm not trying to be your shrink, so if you're tired of this we can talk about something else. :)

Her: nah that's ok maybe in a little bit but for now I'm ok with it. I know my brother was so mean to me sometimes he just flat out abused me verbally but it's like he's grown up since and especially since my mom told him about the depression and stuff he's been downright sweet sometimes

Me: Aww... my big brother used to make fun of me, I guess b/c he was the oldest and Dad was coming down hard on him to be responsible, and Dad somehow sensed I was fragile and went easy on me, so big brother made up the difference. Mocked all the things he was that I wasn't.

Me: Then one day after he'd been gone at college for like, three years, he came home for Christmas and I really hugged him for the first time in probably about a decade. And I started crying, and somehow over a game of Dungeons and Dragons on the computer it worked out.

Her: awwwww that's sweet at graduation I nearly hugged my brother when we were little we were like inseperable they took me to the doctor cuz I wasn't talking a lot and they found out it was just him talking for me and stuff he was like my protector

Me: lol, aww... that's so adorable, seriously. He used to be my hero. He led every single game the four kids ever played.

Her: One time he told me when I was older "don't ask to borrow money" from him which hurt but then the other day he offered to loan me money cuz my mom owed me some and hadn't paid me yet which floored me

Her: so yeah he has changed a lot-tehe that's sweet

Me: why are people so mean and then so sweet? It's incredibly confusing.

Me: The last thing I remember my big brother doing for me that was really really nice was, like, back in fifth grade, when these three guys would chase me home on their bikes, and I usually wound up crying or screaming at them, and he said, "Next time they do that, you call for me when you're down the street and I'll come outside and kick their butts, okay?"

Her: aww how adorable! My brother has never been like at least not that I can remember. He was when we were like little but that was awhile ago.

Me: But you just said he offered to lend you money. :) My brother never did anything that simple. That was the one thing... other than the mandatory Christmas presents and such.

Her: It's weird but I like adored him and even when he seemed to hate me I still loved him which hurt cuz he seemed to think I was repulsive but now it's actually working between us. True-maybe my brother is making up for lost time now. The other day he remembered it was my bday (fine I reminded him) and was like "What do you want for your birthday?"

Me: lol, did you read my life story or something? Those first couple sentences perfectly described me and my brother. I said I hated him, but I'd do anything to make him happy.

Her: Yeah maybe it's like that with most older brothers

Me: Maybe, I dunno. But I seriously think my older brother and I are extremely distant compared to my little brother and I.

Her: well you're his amazing older sister of course you're gonna be closer!

Me: lol, I don't think he finds me amazing. But it's weird sometimes how we're friends.

Me: He doesn't even admire me all that much, or at least I don't think he does. I bet I admire him more.

Her: me and my brother have really grown closer at least compared to where we were once-although when we were little we would sleep together. I don't think we're gonna resume that, but I am going to miss him when he goes to college.

Her: I bet he does more than he would like to admit

Me: on a side note, what kind of friends do you have more of, do you think- the kind that admire you, or the kind you admire?

Me: lol, sure, sleeping together sounds fine when you're both in highschool...

Me: I never thought I'd miss my older brother but I do, so I bet you'll miss him a lot.

Her: hmm-well I don't have a whole lot of close friends at school but I guess it's kind of even. I don't admire all of em and I guess all of em don't admire me but I do admire a lot of em

Her: but for someone to be really my friend I usually admire them

Me: Okay, fair enough.

Her: how about you?

Me: I think... the more distant friends are the ones I admire more. The closest friends are the ones that admire me more. Not sure what that shows about me, though. Trying to decide if that means I'm a good person, or I hold people at a distance unless they can be beneath me somehow...

Her: I would go more with the first one-I think the best friendships though are more of a mutual admiration thing at least the more balanced ones

Me: but then, the closest, absolute best ones are the ones that I admire probably in the most mutual fashion...

Her: you read my mind

Me: like *him*, my best friend, you... I can't feel really thisclose to a person that I feel either inferior to or worshipped by, to say it in a generalized way, you know?

Her: Yeah I know cuz then you can't relate real well cuz you think you are above or beneath them

Me: yup.

(Stuff that was too personal and named names has been deleted here)

Me: You know what frightens me? All the women in my family are fiercely independent, but they all married guys who usually treat them like crap.

Me: He doesn't cheat on her or hit her, but he mocks her, you know?

Her: I can see how that would be scary- my grandma committed suicide cuz of the same disease I have now which is also scary

Me: Genetics are freaky things.

Her: I know they are it's amazing

Me: I can't imagine myself marrying a man I'd treat badly, but I'm all too able to imagine myself marrying a man that doesn't treat me right, just because I think I can't get anything better.

Me: It's maddening, because I know what I need and what I want and what I should have, but I am willing to settle and I can't stop myself because I don't want to be alone. I'm sick of being alone. I hate alone.

Her: I dunno I hate alone too but I am not going to settle mainly because no one will take me who I remotely like

Me: I feel like if I stick to high standards and demand what I deserve, I'll be an old woman in a trailer with a dog.

Me: Don't say that yet.

Her: I guess I am used to being alone though although I hope there is this amazing guy waiting for me. Sometimes I worry that I'll be like single for life

Me: (I know, I'm sort of a hypocrite, but still.) Don't say no one will take you. Someone who deserves you will.

Me: I do, too, honey. I do, too.

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