Feeling: frantic
Listening to: --
Reading/Watching: --

I am just utterly incapable of concentrating today.

This past week (and weekend) has been so frustrating, and hopeful, and then disappointing and exhausting, that my mind is still busy combing it all out.

It is interfering with everything, which is exactly what I didn't want. My mind keeps wandering to the bank situation, wondering if I made the right decision in trusting him, wondering how long it's going to be before I piss him off and he decides to do something like that again.

It's a frightening feeling. I feel like a victim. I felt trapped before, and despite all efforts on his part, it only seems to be getting worse. The things he is trying to do are making it worse. And I can't stop thinking about it.

Today, my mind continually wanders to the highway, and where it could take me. I want to get away. The only thing preventing me from doing that is the knowledge that my kids have a competition on Thursday, and someone needs to feed the dogs.

That's what's keeping me here right now: responsibility and obligation. It's not a happy feeling, because there was once a time I couldn't be paid enough to leave his side.

What happened to me? What happened to us? It's like a bone that bore too much weight and broke, over and over, before it ever had a chance to heal. Now I'm crippled. I can never carry that weight again, and he can't possibly do it on his own, even if he wants to.

I just don't know how to rebuild my strength. I want out. I want to be free. And I can't imagine what it's going to take to make this mad, scrabbling, fox-in-a-bear-trap feeling go away.

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