Feeling: sick
Listening to:
Reading/Watching: The Sound of Music

My muscles are so tired today, my legs are literally twitching.

I walked all the way to Egypt and back yesterday, while wearing a black dress, pantyhose, and four-inch heels. The kids had their practice round of competition yesterday, and I wanted to dress to impress. So I looked fabulous, and I didn't notice how tired I was until I laid down to go to sleep.

Getting another stress-induced cold, so it's nice to see that some things don't change.

I'm settling into my freedom, to the point that I can talk with mon coeur about what's going on in my life without feeling like I'm leading him on in some way (he used to latch on to every communication as a sign that we were falling back in love... it was frustrating, and somewhat suffocating). We've established a sort of peace in our separation, without the desperate feelings on either side. He is no longer desperate to hang on, therefore I am no longer desperate to claw my way out.

It helps that I know I'll be moving in with Matisse this month, while he moves into the house. It will mean I'm living in a place that he doesn't see as his own, and he won't have a key. If I need my privacy, I can have it, without having to take drastic measures. If I don't want him to come into my home, go through my things, log in to my computer, then he won't. It makes me feel so much safer.

It will only get better when I can separate our joint bank account and start one of my own. Then I'll really know that I'm safe, and he can't infringe on my life unless I want him to.

And then... we can work on rebuilding trust. Then maybe he can prove that he's changed, when he no longer has power over me, and I can choose how much contact we have. Then we'll see if this is irretrievable.

I know what I'm hoping for. I know what he's hoping for. I'm hoping we can come to an amicable agreement, instead of this fox-in-a-bear-trap feeling.

Because really, I don't want to have to chew my foot off. I'd rather he un-clamp, and let me choose whether I want to stay or go.

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