Feeling: nostalgic
Listening to: Maroon 5 - Tangled
Reading/Watching: Acorna's Triumph

What is it about seeing extended family that makes me so introspective about who I've been and who I am?

I may not have mentioned this before, but there has long been a rift between myself and my cousin *Dee. We were inseparable as children, plotting pranks and cooking experiments, writing plays, playing dress-up, organizing a haunted house for Halloween, telling ghost stories in her attic on the spooky blue carpet (it was woven from the facial hair of the murderous pirate Bluebeard, and if we opened the closet door in the dark, it would contain the severed heads of his seven wives... you kinda had to be there).

As teenagers, we grew apart. She started smoking when we were twelve or thirteen, then graduated to pot and the occasional acid trip by highschool. I loved her to death, thought she was brilliant and beautiful, but eventually it revolted me to hear her stories. I put space between us, because I did nothing but worry about her, and she did nothing but ignore my warnings. I decided I couldn't stand to hear about how she was ruining her life (I don't still believe that I was completely right in my assessment), and just walked away.

Five years passed, while I went to college, had a doozy of a freshman year, grew up sophomore year, was alternately slutty and prudish junior year, found some balance senior year, fell in love my slacker year, etc. I changed. All I knew of Dee was what I heard in disapproving whispers from the older generation, which wasn't much.

She was at the wedding on Saturday. The bride placed the two of us, along with the four Titus girls and some other cousins in their early twenties, at the same dinner table. Dee asked me how I was, what I was doing now, and I gave the standard resum� answer about graduating and work, then UNT. I asked the same of her, realizing I really did want to know, and she said (in a strange, self-deprecating way) that she was working and going to a community college, studying radiology. And I wanted all kinds of details, like how she got there, what happened in between, what made her choose an "ology" (the mere thought makes me shudder), but I didn't really get the chance to inquire. We'd been strangers too long, and could only converse on current topics, instead of delving into the soul-deep, four-hours-long talks we had from age three to thirteen.

At the end of the night, I got her e-mail address, and we hugged goodbye. It was there in the hug, the same veins recognizing each other. I badly want to e-mail her, have every day since mon coeur and I got back, but I never know what to say, where to start.

It made me very odd and moody on the drive back, and confused the hell out of mon coeur when I just sat there with tears rolling down my face, thinking in silence, unwilling (and unable) to explain.

Something about Dee always brings the lyrics to Tori Amos's "Bells for Her" to my mind. I even bought the songbook for Under the Pink so that I could learn to play the tinkling piano part. I played it, sang it, and each time it was a song for Dee.

...And through the walls they made their mudpies
"I've got your mind" I said
She said "I've your voice"
I said "you don't need my voice, girl
You have your own"
But you never thought it was enough.
So they went years and years
Like sisters blanket girls
Always there through that and this
"There's nothing we cannot ever fix" I said
Can't stop what's coming
Can't stop what is on its way
Bells and footfalls and soldiers and dolls
Brothers and lovers she and I were
Now she seems to be sand under his shoes
There's nothing I can do
Can't stop what's coming
Can't stop what is on its way
And now I speak to you, are you in there?
You have her face and her eyes
But you are not her
And we go at each other like blank ettes
Who can't find their thread and they're bare
Can't stop loving
Can't stop what is on its way
And I see it coming
And it's on its way

In other news, Mommy would be so proud (for the uninitiated, she teaches AP english and gets snippish when we say something incorrectly):
English Genius
You scored 100% Beginner, 93% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 83% Expert!
You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!

The Commonly Confused Words Test
(The sad part is, I want a rundown of the test to know what I missed. There is no hope for me.)

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