Feeling: lonely
Listening to: nothing
Reading/Watching: Henrik Ibsen - Hedda Gabler

I did it.

It was the hardest fucking thing I've ever done, knowingly hurt someone I care about. But the easy way would have been to just not call him back, and let him get the message by default. I needed to face up to it. I needed to make it clear to myself, so I wouldn't be tempted to change my mind.

The worst part was how sweet he was. He kept holding my hand, hugging me, while I cried buckets and said no, there was nothing he could do to fix this. It was just over. Because I couldn't trust him anymore. And I couldn't love someone I couldn't trust. I could forgive him, but I could not give my heart without being terrified that it would be crushed again.

Then we drove back to his house and I dropped him off. He started to say hurtful things, backlashing at all I'd said, and I just kept my head down, and I was done with crying.

Or at least, I waited until he finally slammed the door and I started the car again.

We're going to try to be friends, although I know he'll need a bunch of days before he calls me again. I told him I'd wait for him to contact me.

"Pretending" played on my tape deck while I was driving up to his house. That's when he started crying.

Want the lyrics? You know you do.

Now the time has come to wrap it up
In a nice little perfect package
Perfect's what it looked like on the outside
But inside it wasn't
'Cause I tried to make you happiness
And you tried to make me love
I guess we thought if we pretended long and hard enough
It would all work out
It would fall into place.

I am so sorry
I don't know what you see in me

I know I can be hard to handle
I can be a pain in the ass
So many mood swings, constant changing
But you took it well
And I thank you for that.
But you cannot be happiness
And I cannot be love
I guess we thought if we pretended long and hard enough
It would somehow have to fall into place.

I am so sorry
I don't know what you see in me
I-I-I-I don't mean to be mean
But please don't wait for me
I-I-I-I just need to be free

Now the time has come to bring it
To a level I can handle
And I'm sorry, but you know too much about me
For us to remain friends.

I am so sorry.

Tomorrow, I know I will remember exactly why I wanted this in the first place. Tonight, I am going to eat a lot of chocolate.

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