Feeling: antisocial... twelve hours in PJs
Listening to: Cinderleaf - Rank Amateur
Reading/Watching: Sense & Sensibility, Jane Austen. Can't decide if I'm Marianne or Elinor.

Another Ampersand Project, this time about "why the obsession with...?" For me, it's a private obsession.

What is it about me, that when someone says they've never had a person understand them, never had a real friend, and so on, I'm so determined to be the one?

It's like a challenge. Someone says they feel lonely and need a true friend, and I'm panting to show up, a knight in Happy Dance armor, wielding my empathy like a flag, and be the friend they've always wanted. It's like a psychological compulsion. I have to try. I can't just leave that stone unturned, walk away when someone says there's a need that I might possibly be able to fill.

Even though sometimes it's a line, sometimes it's a lie, sometimes it's because that person is genuinely deranged or incomprehensible, sometimes it's because anyone who truly understands them winds up running the other way. I still have to try.

It's often a good thing. It's gotten me some pretty good friends, even though some of them might still say that no one truly understands them. It's also gotten me in deep trouble before, because in trying to understand someone, particularly with a guy, I start to fall for them, because I'm understanding them and it's incredible. Only problem is, they either don't appreciate being understood, or they get all, "oh Katie, you're so sweet, you're the best sister I've ever had."

It's gotten to the point where, if a friend of mine says "so-and-so understands me better than anyone else" I almost feel competitive. How stupid is that? I think it's a leftover thing from when I didn't have many friends, and I longed for someone who truly understood me. Either I think that getting under someone's skin and picking them apart will mean they're doing the same for me, or else I just can't stand for someone to be in the same position as me and not do for them what I so badly wanted done for me. Like a post-suicidal person needing to talk someone else down off a ledge (which, hey, also applies).

Tonight I was talking with Miller and he said it: "I realized I don't have anyone at school that really understands me, knows what I'm afraid of, what I like" etc etc. And I felt that tug again, that inner voice saying, Well, then I'll do my damnedest to learn.

It's a very lonely feeling, to think that you could be walking through life without really connecting with anyone. And I wonder whether that's why he's suddenly started calling me more (we really didn't hang out much... or at all, last year), because he's trying to turn his incidental acquaintances into real friends so he's not just drifting anymore. In which case, bring it on, honey. I'm here, and you're a pretty cool person.

Thing is, he's one of those onion people. Tons of layers. So I might never really understand him. But I'm willing to try, whether compelled or not.

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