Feeling: panicky
Listening to: Regina Spektor - Two Birds
Reading/Watching: ---

Everything's going so well. I feel like I should be freaking out.

Apparently my subconscious does, too, because I've had all sorts of dreams involving other guys I've known/dated in the past, all of them swaggering up and giving my dream-self a chance to either pounce on them or icily inform them that I'm taken. At which point they all say some variation on, "But you just became single again! Shouldn't you be dating around?"

And... should I be? I don't really want to. Not if it means losing my chance with Sandman. As much fun(?) as it was, meeting a different guy three nights a week, I infinitely prefer him.

His laundry is in my laundry basket. His razor is next to my sink. He left some mail on my coffee table, he bought some of the groceries in my fridge. His mom has given me an open invitation to her house, and sent me home with cookies. His five-year-old daughter plopped into my lap on Friday after a day of Christmas shopping and said roundly, "Daddy, I'm staying with Katie forever." My sister, mom, and friends have all given their stamp of approval, and my dogs listen to him more than they listen to me these days (because he's quicker to sweeten the deal with treats).

I just feel like I should want to do things differently. Like there are rules that I'm breaking, or opportunities I'm missing. I separated from my ex at the end of January, moved into my own place on April 1st, dated sporadically for five months (signing papers in July), and by the end of August, I didn't want to waste my time with anyone but him. Legally free less than two months, and I was giving the "just friends" speech to the other three guys. I haven't even finished all the red tape on changing my name. My bank knows who I am, but the Social Security Administration begs to differ.

Other people keep marveling "wow, that was fast." I feel like I shouldn't have gotten into something this real this soon. But doing what I think I should do is usually what gets me in trouble.

I am happy. I am really, really happy. Yes, it is moving along like the final clicks of a Rubik's cube, one step leading so simply to another, until every piece has snapped into place and you wonder how it happened. It's just... happening. Just like that. We were both incredulous at first, but now we've thrown up our hands and just accepted it.

Of course, it doesn't help that my Dreamvision is also replaying the most sharp, painful, horrific moments of my marriage, but with Sandman's face pasted on top of my ex's.

Guess it goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway: they are two different people. I will not be the same person with both of them, and it will not go the same way unless I let it. I need to remember that.

He's not making any demands on me. He's not asking for anything I'm not willingly giving. Why do I feel like I'm screwing something up?

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