Feeling: undeserving
Listening to: Regina Spektor - Machine
Reading/Watching: working on my paper... having a bit of a study break.

It all boils down to the fact that I still feel responsible for the ending of the marriage. I feel like a failure, I feel like a monster, I feel like I dropped the ball.

I feel like I haven't paid my penance yet. I was supposed to be alone and lonely and miserable for a few years, eighteen months minimum, to atone for all the things I did wrong. I was supposed to suffer, and lament, and perhaps meet my wonderful new chance at happiness once I'd safely paid down any and all karmic debt.

(Yes, I know, that sounds like complete bullshit, but that's my psyche for you.)

Sandman came along too early. He's here too soon, and I don't deserve him yet. My karma's still in the red. But here he is, regardless, and while I may not deserve to be happy, he most certainly does. And I seem to make him happy. So I'll just focus on that, and any joy that happens to emanate from him and brush past me will just be an undeserved bonus.

P.S.- Had dinner with his family last night, for his daughter's last night in town. She alternately hugged me and jumped all over me. Basically, she treated me the same way she treats her dad. She also hopped into my lap, played with my hair, and said "ewww!" when he kissed me, wrapping her arms around his thigh and headbutting against my hip. He was glowing the entire night. It was amazing. I'm going to miss her, both for her sparkle and the way he seems so complete when she's around.

P.P.S.- Getting letters now from collection agencies. Apparently my ex forgot how to pay bills once we separated, and they've cycled through bugging him, and started coming to me. Since we were still legally tethered at the time, I am liable. It's awesome.

Comments? 0 so far...
Not a Diaryland member? Sign the Guestbook.