Feeling: vindictive... and empty
Listening to: --
Reading/Watching:

Recent events have made me kind of evil.

So I fell in love. I took a chance, I tried to jump in without keeping a hand out to brace for a fall.

And I fell hard, and splatted. Because you weren't jumping with me. You were standing on the edge, saying "the bottom doesn't look as good as I thought it would."

So yes, now we are friends. I smile brightly and joke around with you, hug you hello and tease you like a buddy. We go to movies and have dinner and chatter on the phone, and when you walk away or hang up, I cry.

Yes, now we are friends. I don't hear from you for four or five days, and it no longer means you must have fallen off a cliff- now it means we're just friends.

Now we are friends. Now you still get distracted by me, still get that look on your face when you're wishing I was naked, still make slight comments and breathe in my hair, but we're just friends.

You miss me. I break down and ask you to stay the night after a late-night movie fest, and you bring me to your house, because mine has too many memories, you say. But you still hold me in your arms. I still feel you breathe me in, and I feel the way your heart is thudding. But I will not be your nearest-warm-body. Because we are just friends.

And you hate when I cry in front of you. It hurts you. You hate when I pointedly mention that you don't want me anymore. You winced when I said "I don't mind hanging out, I mind that you don't love me."

And I enjoy it. I have become a little bit evil, because I kind of like seeing that for all you're putting me through, for all I'm swallowing just so I don't lose you completely, some part of it is hurting you, too. I need to know that. I need to know this isn't easy. I need to know you're feeling guilty. I kind of enjoy wearing low-cut tops and demonstrating the dance moves from my audition, because I watch how your eyes dilate and you don't move away.

It's probably cruel. It's probably more than a little evil. I like putting it right in your face. Because I'm just not capable of being the sweet box of Kleenex anymore. There are no more refills.

And I am most evil because I taunt you, torment you, but won't give in to your unspoken question. I will not ease this transition for you, this shift from one closeness to the next. I will not smile and hide when it hurts. Because we are just friends, and friends don't hide. We are just friends, and friends don't have sex.

You don't love me anymore. And I will look you dead in the eye and continue to say it out loud, in your face, until either I accept it, or it stops being true.

...and then I finally weaken, and ask: "Is this a not-now thing, or a never-again thing?"

And you say "probably never again." Except with you, the probably doesn't count. It's just "never again," because you don't make declarative statements.

So yeah. Feeling a little bit evil. Because I have to.

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