Feeling: composed
Listening to: The Postal Service with Jenny Lewis - Nothing Better
Reading/Watching: TV episodes I'm behind on

I have bronchitis, which was making it hard to breathe. So I called in to work, saying "okay, so at least I'll get a chance to rest."

Today was technically a sick day, but I used it to go see the doctor, get my car inspected, visit the pharmacy, go to the grocery store, clean my apartment, and go to the bank.

Where I deposited checks from my voice lessons into a new account under my own name. And tomorrow morning, I'll fill out the paperwork to switch my direct deposit paychecks to this account.

The guy at the bank was very quiet when I told him the reason (getting separated), but also very helpful. So when the time comes to transfer my portion into an account he can't empty, I will already have a bank card and working checks.

Part of me feels like I should feel more upset about this. But mostly it's a relief. I need this. I need the safety of being away.

Although yesterday, when I left Bear's house, I kissed and hugged Andante and left him behind. He's going stir-crazy in this tiny apartment, and he was all kinds of bouncy and thrilled to visit Bear's house with the big back yard and two other dogs to play with. I decided it was cruel to take him back with me, even just for the few weeks until the house closes. So I wrapped my arms around his neck and I sobbed, because it was the first step. The first thing that has to change, the first thing I have to let go. He didn't understand, and licked the tears off my face with his massive tongue until my glasses were smeared with gooey puppy saliva.

I cried the whole way home. But Bear called to tell me he was doing well, and seemed happy. He hasn't had a single "accident" since he got there, and while he was cooped up in the apartment with me and my stress, I was washing the bed sheets five times a week.

And now I have a bank account that's just mine. The teller tactfully left his card, saying I could call if I had any questions, and that it would be very easy to change my contact information and... ahem... name, if the If happened.

I know very well how I should feel. I've been informed by no less than Mr. Katie himself that I should feel lonely, scared, consumed with guilt, and determined to make things work. But that's just not what's happening upstairs.

I am lonely, sure, with just me and Allegra and no big annoying bouncy puppy to knock things over with his rope-tail and chew my remotes into useless lumps of plastic, but I am fine. I am not scared. I am not all that worried, actually.

And no. I don't feel guilty. Say what you will, call me whatever names you like.

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