Feeling: selfish
Listening to: Rage Against the Machine - Wake Up
Reading/Watching: Cinderella Man with Steve and Lords of Dogtown with Lynne

Warning: this entry is very catty, very whiny, and if you don't like when I bitch about things, you might want to stop reading here.

Yesterday I caught up with Lynne for the first time in months: we had dinner at a cute place in Gruene and wandered around the aesthetically-rustic shops sipping wine and talking, before going to see Lords of Dogtown at the local theater. It was quite pleasant.

Somehow I mentioned that I wasn't friends with Bri anymore, and she wanted to hear the whole story. I tried to tell it in as even-handed a manner as possible (although I don't think I'm very good at it), and Lynne ventured that Bri must be in need of a lot of help. She then somehow decided that I should try to contact her, to tell her that.

I know Bri has issues, and that she really needs a good, strong, understanding friend. I know she needs someone to help her realize the impression she's leaving on people when she acts on anger and tries to apologize for it later. I know she needs a guiding hand to make her realize how her emotions are out of control, but you know what? I'm not going to be that someone.

I realize exactly how much help she needs, and I think I stuck around for so long because I wanted to give that help. But I'm not very good at it. In some ways, I would tiptoe and tapdance around her temper, trying to avoid conflict as much as possible, and then just placate or yell at her when she blew up, and I became a sort of enabler. I rarely stood up to her (no one did), and when I tried, she'd burst into tears and blame her tantrum on this or that drama that was on her mind lately and making her moody.

I was an enabler because I never called her on that bullshit. I knew it for what it was, but I am a wimp. I cannot resist tears. I have to hug and comfort when there are tears (for which reason I am certain I will spoil my future children rotten), and she knows that. She uses that.

Mostly, I don't want to have her in my life anymore because I am selfish. My life is so much simpler, calmer, without her in it. There is no pressure to call or visit her every few days to make sure she doesn't think I'm avoiding her. There is no need to steel myself to keep silent while she rages about the latest injustice in her life, because trying to point out the opposing view will become an argument about how I'm "never supportive" of her opinion. I don't have to listen to her bitch about how her diet isn't working, and how she'll never lose weight, while she spoons down four cups of potato cheese soup and gets pie for dessert.

I don't have to avoid mentioning Satan, or avoid inviting her to the same party as Satan, or worry about letting slip some mention of hanging out with Satan, or his girlfriend, or any other person who has ever met him, spent time with him, or said they kinda thought he was cool that one time.

Krynn and Nimsay threw me a surprise birthday party, and practically all my close friends showed up. We ate cake, talked, laughed, and it was so simple and fun. I sat there, enjoying myself, and realizing that this sort of thing hasn't happened (all my friends having a good time together) since Bri first decided she didn't like the air force boys, and never wanted to see any of them again (and wanted me to boycott them, too). It was a party where I didn't have to carefully not invite someone, just to preserve peace. It was lovely.

For all these reasons, I am being selfish. I don't want her in my life anymore, because I prefer my life as it is now: much less complicated. She has actually sent some smiles my way when we pass each other in church, left me a voice mail declaring truce, and tried to call me once or twice. I didn't answer the phone, I didn't call her back, I returned the smile, but didn't stop to talk. I will be civil, but I will not be friends. I don't want to worry about what is best for her anymore, I want to be completely, exclusively (for the first time ever) concerned with what is best for me.

With that in mind, I think what is best for me is never mentioning her in here again. Re-hashing these same stories over and over only makes me bitter (not to mention petty), so I am now pledging to all of you that you don't have to be entrenched in this ridiculous highschool-esque drama anymore.

Now, don't we all feel better?

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