Feeling: lonesome
Listening to: Suzanne Vega- Hiding Sun
Reading/Watching: Briana, for reminding me

I kinda miss God.

I know he's been around the whole time just waiting for me to pop up and say hey, but I dunno, I never wanted to have to rely on something like that. It's scary to relinquish control on your own life, especially if you start expecting results.

I'm not going to start harping on anything or quoting Bible verses, but I used to be a lot more solid. I used to be in the youth group. I used to sing in church every week. I used to keep a prayer journal (I hated it, but I really wanted to try, because everyone seemed to think they were so wonderful).

Maybe I'm deluding myself, hazing over how things once were, but I seem to remember things being more hopeful when I prayed more. Maybe it was from the aftershine of that time... let's just say I had a serious affirmation that there IS somebody out there.

Gah. I've had good times lately. I guess I forgot to keep in touch during the good times. And for some reason I thought leaning on somebody during the bad times would make me weak.

This morning, for some reason, it just popped into my head. Remembering how I felt after my grandfather had his stroke, all the crying and the anger and the guilt, and never ONCE did I even think to pray. Stupid of me.

And if you lose respect for me over this entry, or are disappointed in me for some reason, screw you. I'm not trying to prove a point, or look like a good person, or make you all look up to me.

(And why do I have to feel defensive about mentioning God in my diary? Sheeeeesh, I've slipped a long way.)

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