Feeling: self-righteous
Listening to: electronic office buzz
Reading/Watching: Seeing Anthropology Through Film. *sigh*.

It's good to be back, even though my Dr. Anthropology apparently didn't get the assignment I e-mailed to her, so I need to send it again once I get home.

I sat down in my usual seat, pulled out my books, and chatted with the girl next to me while the rest of the class showed up. She asked about where I'd been, told me the last test wasn't very hard, and if I wanted, she could help me study. It was really unexpected, since we're not particularly friends, so I smiled and said "Thanks, that's really great of you."

A few minutes later, she slid a paper across the tabletop, saying teasingly, "Now remember, you owe me for the rest of your life."

I looked over, and (almost instinctively) slapped my hand on top of the page. It was her copy of the test, already corrected and graded. I pushed it back toward her, saying, "Oh, no, that's not what I meant."

"Are you sure?" She raised her eyebrows, so casual and friendly, it didn't even have a whiff of peer pressure or the sly, secretive air you always see in reruns of Beverly Hills 90210 and Saved by the Bell.

I nodded. "Yeah. I mean, I want to pass, but I don't want to cheat."

She shrugged and put the test away. "You're stronger than I am."

I had pangs of regret as soon as the pages were out of sight, but wouldn't let myself ask to see them again. I mean, sure, it's just one test in just one class, full of knowledge that I'll never need again for the rest of my life, and which I'm only studying for a core requirement, anyway. Having a copy of the test to study would mean I wouldn't have to cram all weekend, or stress about vocabulary, or worry that I didn't have class lecture notes, and my GPA wouldn't be hurt from missing so much school. I would still be smart, I would still have gotten this far on my own brainpower, there was virtually no chance of Getting Caught or Disappointing My Parents. I would lose nothing.

I guess I just want to look myself in the eye on graduation day and respect the person I see there. I want to know I did it all on my own. No matter how many tests I passed (or failed) in previous years, this one would be the one that I remembered. I enjoyed the class, I liked the teacher, and I had to work hard to keep my B, because anthropology is not something that comes naturally to me. I didn't want to become the kind of student I mocked, the kind that sees college as a means, not an end.

I also remembered vividly the one time in highschool that I was taking a make-up test in Algebra II (a.k.a. trigonometry), and I was scared to death, because I had a D in the class and needed to pass. The teacher went outside for a minute to go to the bathroom, and while she was gone I opened my textbook and looked up an equation I couldn't remember. That memory gnawed at me for two whole years until graduation. I don't need a repeat of that feeling, ever again.

I think I'm just stuck with being moral. I don't have the stomach for things like cheating or shoplifting, because just knowing I did it makes me miserable for years afterward. It's annoying, at times, but there it is.

Stupid inflated sense of honor- now I still have to study all weekend.

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