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I had a day that was kind of like an internal soliloquy.

I holed up in my little room, turned off my IMs, answered my phone only once, and just kind of... thought. I had videos on the majority of the time, but usually they were just white noise. I combed through everything in my head, like tracing the tip of an iron over every little wrinkle, smoothing, always smoothing.

It was very weird, that dream. You know how you forget most dreams as soon as you have them? The only reason this one resurfaced at all was because I was watching Where the Heart Is, which is one of my absolute favorite movies. The scene where Natalie Portman goes into labor suddenly sent the dream crashing back to the front of my brain, and I started shivering.

I asked around, seeing if anyone could analyze dreams. It seems to be a common thing for Jae to have the answer I really need. At first she hypothesized about a conflict with some creative project, which might be something like the play or my upcoming sophomore voice recital.

But then I mentioned that the baby was delivered in pieces. And that apparently changes things. I usually don't buy into dream analysis, since mine are harmless enough and whatever the supposed symbols are, they rarely apply to me. I know that usually my little brother features in somewhere, occasionally my mom, always just observing, which shows that I see them as sources of strength. No kidding. They weren't in this one, though. I was all alone. I dimly remember someone there, like a presence in the room, but mostly it was just me. Alone.

She tells me it has to do with some problem I'm trying to resolve, some elemental part of me that I know I have to expunge. And that I know it'll take time, that I'll have to deal with it piece by piece. From there I can make my own inferences: it can't be done all at once, even though I was expecting it to be in some fell swoop. It scares me, that I'll have to break it apart and deal with it over and over before it's gone.

Jae was telling me this as I was driving, so there was no opportunity for a big scene, even though my eyes filled with tears. I didn't reply, so she kept talking while I had my mini-epiphany.

But only a little one. This is going to take time.

Don't ask me to explain exactly what it is- I think you probably know, and it's almost impossible for me to describe it. But basically it's about me feeling comfortable in this skin, figuring out all the things that I think are wrong with me, deciding whether they are or not, getting rid of them. One by one.

God, this is going to suck. But today I saw the other end of the bridge. That's why I'm here, speckled with stress (a.k.a. breakouts), hair all birdy-branchy, in my t-shirt and slippers, dry-eyed, just thinking.

Ironing out every wrinkle I can reach.

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