Feeling: bold
Listening to: Maroon 5 - Tangled
Reading/Watching: Return of the King

I just read a friend's journal (well technically she's a D-land "buddy", not a true hanging-out-on-Friday-night friend, but hopefully that's not too presumptuous of me?), and she floored me.

Here's the exact quote (and if she gives me permission, I will link her): "I have always felt lesser than everyone around me, and I don't know how to think differently. It's burned into my way of thinking."

Reading that, I cringed. It sounds so much like me. And it's ridiculous, for her to say this. It's preposterous. She's pretty and original and talented and witty, and these are the reasons why I first wanted to read her journal in the first place, and I am always so baffled (and yet unsurprised) that she could think so little of herself.

But people have said the same to me. When I was in sixth grade, one of Bear's friends actually told me that my habit of insulting myself was very off-putting. Mon coeur has forbidden me to use the words "ignore me, I'm stupid" when I lose confidence in what I'm saying and want people to stop giving credence to me. I think they're overreacting to what I see as being brutally honest, but there comes a time when you have to trust the opinions of those you love over what you think of yourself.

I want to ask my journal friend a question. Who hurt you? Who diminished you? Who took everything good in you and twisted it into illusion? Who was it that broke you down into crumbs, and told you that it was better that way?

If it was someone else, they're wrong. They're just wrong. If it was you, well... that's harder to fight. The demon in your mind that mocks you is the only thing that is nothing, that is illusion. It will take a long time, I agree, but you have to get rid of it.

I always thought it would take certain things to fix it, that I would have to become stronger, smarter, prettier, wiser, and then life would just click into place and Desmond wouldn't drag me down anymore. I've only just realized that I was always stronger, smarter, prettier, wiser than I thought. It's not that I've improved, really. I've just begun to see myself clearly.

I wish you luck. It's going to be hard.

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