Feeling: brutal
Listening to: Staind - Fade
Reading/Watching: same as before.

I know it's kinda weird/taboo for me to post a journal entry within an hour of posting a perfectly serviceable one already.

But I was going through my buddies' journals and came across something I had to answer, and the only way to do it is here.

Lynne said "I am not sure if he should be with me... but right now, I want him. And I want him to want me."

As previously established, I know exactly how you feel. But I am going to say some things that have long needed saying, and hope we both take it to heart. It's time I took my own advice.

It might be more about wanting him to want you, than actually wanting him back. Because you know (as I know) that he is not good enough for you. Everyone has told you that. Just as everyone... has told me mine is not good enough for me. Which is hard to say, because of what I always answer: "You don't know him. He's so much more than you think."

We are both swinging like pendulums, changing our minds constantly, being proudly single, and then being crumpled and alone. Being confused with our choices and yet inescapably drawn to them.

I won't lie; I've missed mine this week. Missed his voice, missed his scent, missed the way his mouth quirks when he doesn't intend to smile. Fallen asleep and dreamed him there, only to wake to his absent space. There are times I feel I only have to wait until he misses me back, and then I realize it's never going to happen. If it were, it would have happened by now. That's just how things work.

If he were to come to me now, it would not be for the reasons I want. It would be because I'm convenient, because I'm better than nothing, because there's nothing wrong with me, as opposed to everything being right with me.

Do not be pulled in by that. Do not condescend to be what he settles for.

Because if he is settling for you, he does not deserve you. If you let him settle for you, then, in a way, you deserve all the pain that will inevitably result when he finds what he's really looking for and leaves behind his default choice: you.

It would take a lot for him to prove to me that I'm more than convenient, after how I have trusted and been wrong before. And that is something he will never do. I think sometimes my appeal is that I require no effort on his part, because no matter what he does, I will still be here. (This is not me being cynical, this is me being honest.) And so I have to stop wanting that. Have to stop wanting someone who doesn't want me... doesn't even want to want me. I deserve better than to be a space-filler.

As do you. We deserve to be someone's destination, not a pit-stop on the way.

I'll call you when I get into town. We need chocolate and a Buffyfest.

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