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Some day I'll walk tall down a hallway and people will watch me go. They'll see in the tilt of my shoulders that I'm good at what I do.

Whatever that is. Writing, teaching, singing. They'll read my book and know. They'll feel my passion and follow my arms and sing their hearts out for me, and know. They'll hear the shine in my voice and know. I want them to know so I'll be worth something.

I've seen people own respect. They wear it like perfume, because when they walk past you sense it and aren't sure if it's assumed or just part of them. I don't want a monopoly on it or anything (no one ever can- it's only the people who are the best liked that have violent or resentful enemies- look at US presidents, teen heart throbs, etc) but I want a measure. I want to write letters of recommendation for someone someday, so that I know my words matter in some form.

I don't want adoration. That stuff is silly. There's a big difference between what I want and what some people think it is. I've had my share of people thinking I'm somehow special or omniscient because I accidentally got a volunteer job with the online writing club of a magazine. The duties are far less than they seem. I do even less than that, and I can't believe people could call that something. But some people seemed to think that made me more than I was.

I'm a kid, okay? I started writing when I was eight (I say writing as in doing it with the intent of using it for more than school) and aimed to be a published writer by eighth grade. By eighth grade, I knew my best work was crap, and I aimed to publish a book by the time I graduated highschool. That sounded reasonable enough.

But the better I get, the more I know how far I have to go. Now I feel I'm actually to the point of being good, and highschool has come and gone. Will I be saying the same thing in four years, that I wasn't really ready yet?

I worry. Not because I think it'll never happen, but because the older I get, the further I grow from where I am right now, knowing exactly how it feels to be a kid. Too many adult writers think they remember, and it drives me crazy. I don't want to become that, thinking I know and kidding myself.

But I have a feeling I'm parroting things I've said before (broken record- that's me) so g'night. The week begins anew...

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