Feeling: trapped
Listening to: --
Reading/Watching: Thank You For Smoking

Sometimes I curse my inability to do something impulsive that has the potential to be extremely exciting and yet would truly, thoroughly screw up my life.

Part of this is because I'm always thinking of what the consequences would mean for the people around me, or because I know that I don't have the staying power to stick with a risky decision, so when I came crawling back to my sensible life, I would have a big mess to clean up.

And part of the reason is because the few times I've had the commitment to do something impulsive or exciting and stick with it, I have truly and thoroughly screwed up my life. It's exciting for a while, until it's broken. And that can take months or even years to fix.

Now I'm thinking what would happen if I just hopped in my car and drove. No idea where I'm going, or when I'm coming back. Just got out of here. Away, for a while.

Except I know I'd come back. And picking up the pieces when I do makes the temporary euphoria of escape not worth it.

So I guess I'm going to work tomorrow. We have a concert tomorrow night. And then I'm going to the doctor next Monday, to get this ulcer thing sorted out. And I'll rehearse for my show, even though it's a time drain and makes me stay up later preparing for the next day. And in a few weeks, we'll get a week off for Thanksgiving, and I'll finish putting my wedding album in order, and the show will open. And I'll prepare my kids for their Christmas concert, and have shows on weekends, and before I know it, it will be Christmas and then 2009 and time to move into the house and spring break and Puppy's wedding day and time for UIL competition and then my second year of teaching will be over. And then another year will pass, and another, and I'll have my graduate degree, and mon coeur will finish his bachelor's, and perhaps I'll switch to a new school, and perhaps we'll start trying to have kids, and ten years from now I will still be looking for that right time to take time off and write a book, travel to Europe, do something impulsive and adventurous.

And I will be doing what I do, day in, day out, all along. No escape. Just forward motion.

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