Feeling: Full. French food = good
Listening to: John Mayer, "Message in a Bottle"
Reading/Watching: Finishing Candide, laughing myself silly over These OId Shades

I've been sitting down having imaginary conversations with people.

There was a time I used to write them down, turn them into short stories. Once I even combined my imaginary discourses with actual events and made it into a novel (it was actually pretty good... one of these days I'll post chapter 1 of DCMI, for nostalgia).

Today I had too much free time at work, and spent several minutes going over what if, and then he did this, and I said that, and the look in his eyes was like this.

And the majority of the time, opportunities for those type of conversations never ever come up. If they weren't so much fun to dream up, either one way or another (they always lead to a resolution, in any event... always a good thing), I'd give them up entirely. But I'm nowhere near practical enough to do something as sensible as that.

I've been analyzing myself, and I know I'm a bit of a mess. I'm a mass of contradictions, I expect things of people that even I can't accomplish. I forget to make my bed, my hair is sometimes a rat's nest, I often blow off homework, I have weird toenails. Plus there's the small matter of the emotional minefield that is my brain.

But I love people for their flaws. I can't stand people I perceive as perfect. So why should I not hold out for someone who can take all my flaws?

In past, I've approached life with a ducked chin, shyly exhibiting my flaws in my eyes, pleading for someone to overlook them.

Then I got a bit older, and held my head ridiculously high, trying to tell myself I was imagining my shortcomings, and expecting people to swallow that I was somehow an undiscovered paragon.

These past few weeks, I really feel my life going well. I don't just imagine it- my life is going well. And it's as much because of my faults as it is for my strengths.

I think that is somehow shining in my eyes. I've made real headway, looking people square in the face, not pleading or posturing.

If I can keep this attitude going all semester, it could be a fantastic year.

Two thoughts that have been encouraging me: "Love isn't about playing it safe. It's about risk." ~ This was Michael Rosenbaum off Smallville, home of the beauteous Tom Welling.

And all the lyrics of Matt Caplan's "Sideways" (yes, I really typed all these out):

Lost my train of thought around Chicago
Found a little solace where you lay
Never made collages as a young child
Not that much to see, so much to say
Now even in this silence there's a thunder
And rain that steals the breath beneath this cage
At least I've got your memory to soothe me
This bitter poison, ripening with age

(Chorus)
Because everything I've ever done
I've done because I love you-
Silly you should ask.
I'm afraid that I'll spend the better part of next year
Scared that I might need you
Bring me down, then I'll feel again
Everything I've ever done,
I've done because I love you sideways.
Sideways.

Lost my patience well before West 4th Street
Found a copper coin, said "seize the day"
And I let the angry audience surround me
Hiding as I screamed "Give o'er the play"
Now even in the thunder there's a silence
A shred of comfort standing at my door
At least I've got the sense to reconstruct you
And leave me twice as lucid as before

'Cause everything I've ever done, I've done because I love you
Silly you should ask
I'm afraid that I'll spend the better part of next year,
Scared that I might need you
You gotta bring me down, then I'll feel again
Everything I've ever done I've done because I love you
Sideways.

And you left your mark
You left your face in the corner of my mind three times
You left your mark
You left yourself

And at least I've got the sense to sense what's coming
And realize that good things never come to those who wait too long

Because everything I've ever done
I've done because I love you
Silly you should ask
I'm afraid that I'll spend the better part of next year
Scared that I might need you
Bring me down, then I'll feel again.
Everything I've ever done, I've done because I love you sideways
Sideways.

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