Feeling: like the ice is thin beneath me
Listening to: Jars of Clay - The Chair
Reading/Watching: Drew, for telling me which companies are hiring right now.

As soon as I finished that last entry, I started making some phone calls. Jae and I went grocery shopping and out to lunch. Talked about stuff, then I went home.

Called Julia. The girl who steadies things for me when they're topsy-turvy... or at least she did my freshman year. I find it hard to believe I don't call her more often. Maybe because I worry my soap-opera stories bore or annoy her. I dunno.

I had a crazy idea. I really don't want to go home this summer. What's waiting for me there?

Mom & Dad and Puppy. Nikki. Maybe Chris (maybe). I have no job lined up yet, although I do have a rent-free bedroom that's all mine.

What's in San Antonio? Briana. Jules & Jen. Sara. Drew. Mike. Claudia. Sam. Victor. Every single person, when I mentioned the possibility of staying, said, "Oooh! We can do stuff!" (or something akin to that, don't make me get specific.)

Problems? Job. It's a problem in either city, though, so we'll not count that. Especially since I can job-search all this week instead of once I get home next week, so I'd have a week head start. Other problems? Roof over my head.

I asked every friend with an apartment if they would mind someone staying with them over the summer, crashing on the couch or something, paying them rent. Each one said that'd be fine. Julia & Jenny even have a futon in their living room.

Called home. The parents are not too thrilled. They always seem to think with dollar signs. It irritates me. I may not be filthy rich, but I have $800 in the bank, enough to keep me alive until I get going with a nice job, and I intend to search like mad. Yes, I do have car payments and insurance to take care of. Yes, paying rent would be on me, no help forthcoming from parents. I knew all this, even before they brought it up.

I want a chance to be independent. I'm almost twenty years old, for goodness' sake. I want to be on my own, without a mommy telling me when I should wake up, when I should eat, etc. Without a dad lecturing me that it doesn't matter if I hate my job, b/c I won't find another one that pays so well for a teenage summer job. I've always had this huge safety net beneath me, and I want to take a risk and pay my own way for a while. I wouldn't mind being poor. Because it'd be real.

I really want to do this, even with all the risks, even though I'm so frinkin' lucky to have parents as generous as mine, etc. Am I insane? Please sign the G-book or leave a comment below.

I was driving back from Julia & Jenny's, and I saw an ambulance drive past, sirens wailing. I do what I usually do, which is cross myself and say a silent prayer.

Dear Lord, please protect and guide whoever that siren is for. Or is it whomever? And wait, that's a dangling participle, so would that be please protect and guide he for whom that siren is meant? Wow that's formal, no wonder nobody talks like Jane Austen anymore...

The second thought was, Dear God, I can't even get through a prayer without correcting grammar.

Followed by an apology for using the Lord's name in vain.

We call this neurotic, children. (I love that word, neurotic.) Which got me singing a parody of Madonna's old song.

"Neur-otic, neur-otic, put yo' hands all ovah mah body..."

I. am. not. well.

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