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I had such a crappy beginning today. I had a case of the gray-blacks, not really wanting to talk, feeling obligated to summon smiles for people.

By choir time, my smiles had all expired. I would drift into thought and be interrupted by a quasi-concerned, "Are you okay?"

(A question which, just in case you didn't know, is really asking for you to lie to them so they can keep walking, not open up and show them what's festering inside. The people I love are the ones who don't believe me, and stick around anyway.)

I think I'm just tired lately. Too much small-talk and approaching deadlines. I never can live lock-step, without a couple hours to veg.

Ever had the thing where you run through the list of people you might talk to, and find a reason to avoid each of them? Not her. She always hears me complain. Not him. I can't come to him with guy problems anymore. Not her. She has problems of her own. Not him. He IS the problem.

When Sara offered to get me a cough drop (I've been hacking like a chain smoker lately), I almost cried. I just can't handle niceness when I feel so frail, especially when I can't really pay it back.

Decided to talk to Jae. She never makes me feel like I'm burdening her with my crap.

But anyway. I took Jae with me to the play auditions. She kicked ass. If she doesn't get the role of the Devil, I'll eat my shoe. Later we wound up driving to see a movie, but the Treasurer of the Staying Lost Club (::waves hand::) got us wandering aimlessly up and down the loop.

We stopped at Denny's for some hot tea, and stayed for hours. I just love hearing her stories, because they're never the kind of stories you save up to tell people. They just come out when you're feeling safe enough to be real.

It's weird, how the people who see a lot of me in them are the people I think are completely the opposite of me. Unsure who's wrong there, but if it's me that might be really cool.

I love strong people. They just impress the heck out of me, because they never say they're strong. But my world could be completely cockeyed and she could help me set it straight. 'Cause she's like that.

In short, I'm giving up. Not in the hopeless, resigned way. I'm going to let God handle it. I haven't the time, personally, so I'll leave it up to him. Good luck, mister, you've got your work cut out for you.

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