Feeling: Wired. Tired.
Listening to: You're Pretty - "Not Coming Down"
Reading/Watching: Hedda Gabler

I found my remote. It had fallen behind a stack of videos. But why should I waste time looking in logical places?

Saw White Oleander and Tuck Everlasting this weekend. The former was substantially better than the latter, although my experience of Tuck might have been slightly affected by how Bri murmured something gooshy and squeaky about Jonathan Jackson every two minutes.

She is very, very much smitten with her Air Force Boy, and it makes her googly over any blond, blue-eyed kid. That punk better get his act together, because as far as I've seen, he's worlds better than her previous choices. And she's worlds better than his other prospects.

But watching Tuck Everlasting made me wistful. It was bad- I didn't care about the eternal life thing, because I sure as hell don't want to live forever, but I was upset by the scenes of the two kids running through fields, going swimming, dancing. There were so many things I wanted to do with Harry, but never did. It ended way too soon. I wanted months to get to know each other, to get wound into each other's worlds and have a chance to forget what it was like to be lonely.

I am so angry with him right now. We should have had a lot longer. But he needed physical proof that it would be forever, or he wouldn't waste any time. We never got to go to a movie together. We never went dancing. We never drove somewhere far away, talking for hours in the car. We never went up to visit my sister and her fianc�, even though I told him plenty of times that he'd love them, and we definitely should go when we had time.

We never even got to go on a Saturday night date, dammit. He was always working or I was out of town, and our time was always on weekdays, snatched before homework, or squeezed in before bed. I am so angry that we'd only just begun, and he had to get insecure about things. We were just warming up for the long stretch, and he was so worried that I would leave him, he pushed me out the door first.

It was swirling around in my head after watching that movie, feeling so envious because those kids had nothing but time. Came back, tried to put it out of my mind through someone's piano recital, talked to Drew a bit, then went to the auditorium intending to practice my jury music, but instead wailing out Pretending with my eyes closed, body swaying to the beat.

It was stupid to take everything out on my voice- my throat is simply just not strong enough. It broke several times, and I must have looked and sounded like a mental case, tensed up and howling like that.

I hate that Drew walked in. I'm not mad at him, but I hate that he saw me like that. I have no idea what he thinks about it, but he walked out again without a word (and I'm relatively sure you won't mention it unless I bring it up, so Drew, I'm giving you carte blanche to call me if you want). And now my voice is completely tapped out, and I'm no less wound up than before.

::Patting aching throat:: Sorry, baby. Won't do it again.

Comments? 0 so far...
Not a Diaryland member? Sign the Guestbook.